February 7, 2007

"I have scraped many squirrels off roads."

"Because often when we are driving and we see a squirrel we assume they're dead — but they're not. They're just concussed. I always stop and lift them to the side of the road. So the next time you see a squirrel on the side of the road, stop and make sure."

Oh, now I'm sobbing at the beauty of human kindness. Please, somebody nominate Morrissey for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The Enemy

30 comments:

georgespencer said...

And please tread lightly, too.

The worms aren't dead.

They're just napping.

Matt Brown said...

They keep messing up my cable's On Demand. Stupid squirrels.

SippicanCottage said...
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Ron said...

Doesn't it look like Morrissey has been guesting on the Sopranos?

Heaven knows, they're miserable now!

kevbo nobo said...

fluffy tailed tree rats; they are just minions of those godless killing machine bears.

Save yourself, Mozz, kill them all.

Ron said...

Sippican, don't you at least plaster cast? The rock stars not the squirrels...

Dale B said...

If they're flat, they're not concussed, they are dead. Crow food. Road kill.

Morrissey is a nut case.

Mike said...

Thanks for the info, Ann. Now that I know that they aren't dead, but merely pining, I'll make a point of running over them. Damn little vandals.

Knowledge is power.

MadisonMan said...

Last summer, as I drove down Farley towards University, I hit a squirrel. I wasn't sure if I killed it, but I kept driving. Five minutes later, I drove back up Farley, and the squirrel was still lying prone on the road, with a stream of bright red blood emanating from its skull. I think it was dead. This did not make me happy.

But I think it was committing suicide. It ran under the car, after all.

Bissage said...

I use a Havahart trap to catch squirrels and release them in a nearby woodland. But now I’ve got a better idea.

I’m going to catch one and I’m going to teach it to sing this song and I’m going to have it ground shipped to Morrissey and when he opens the package it will start singing and I’ll have extracted at least a little bit of revenge for those parties I went to back in the 80’s where people were into The Smiths. Ugh!

Ron said...

hmmm...we've a vein of Rodent Rage in this comment section...



verif.word: skrul. Thanks Stan Lee!

mcg said...

Oh, I have to tell this story. I took my daughter to a 4-H farm/park in San Jose, CA last week, as part of an organized group. I found a nightcrawler (earthworm) in the grass where we were standing; and not wanting the kids to step on it I picked it up.

After the kids all got a turn gazing and poking, I walked over to some folks working the compost bins to ask where they thought I should put it. Apparently it wasn't the same type of worm they were using in the composting, so they recommended putting it in one of the planting beds.

Well, about a half an hour later I looked over that way, only to see... a hen pecking around that same area of planting bed.

Yep, all my effort to save the little bugger from being squished under the heel of a toddler only served to make it chicken feed.

Sigh. I wonder if it was organic.

Mike said...

How far do you take the squirrels, Bissage?

When I was a kid, the next door neighbor trapped a squirrel. It was identifiable by a white tail. He took it to Olbrich Park, a little over 1/2 mile away. On the way home, he stopped at Rennebohm's for lunch. When he gets home, the squirrel is in his backyard.

chuckR said...

Can anyone else visualize a certain silver Audi TT, distraught driver backing and filling, trying to locate the poor wounded beast by using the tires as sensors?

Bissage said...

Mike, I take them about 2 miles away because that's about a quarter mile past the nearest river. It was explained to me that you have to take them across water or they'll find their way back.

I'm sure they don't return. After I get a new customer and take him for a ride, there's a sciurine power vacuum that lasts about two weeks. After that, we get to watch the backyard spectacle of someone’s tentative claim to new territory escalate rapidly into a full-scale squirrel war during which it’s easy to implement the next forcible relocation. (I don't know why but it's much easier to trap an unestablished squirrel.)

Which brings me to mention something I’ve wondered about. What happens to the squirrels I release into enemy territory? It can’t be pretty.

Mike said...

"Which brings me to mention something I’ve wondered about. What happens to the squirrels I release into enemy territory? It can’t be pretty."

Indeed. Better to give them one "short, sharp, shock." More humane, really.

vbspurs said...

White Trash Cook Book

Cheers,
Victoria

chuckR said...

Aging obscure rockstar Ted Nugent's Kill It and Grill It. Not just for squirrel.

Pogo said...

Morrissey should have one of those benefit songs, then ask his gummint (the one that requires you to sing nursery rhymes to your kids) to require motorists to revive stunned rodents in the street.

We Are The Squirrels,
We scare the Althouse,
we are the ones who run in the street
so stop and save us.
There´s a choice we´re making,
we´re saving rodent lives,
it's true we're not dead yet,
just a little stunned!


*sniff ...tear*

PatCA said...

I bet Bush just drives by.

P. Froward said...

Looks a bit like Jonathan Winters in that picture, doesn't he? Something about his mouth, and the way his cheeks are filling out as he ages. Morrissey, not the squirrel.

Eli Blake said...

So the next time you see a squirrel on the side of the road, stop and make sure."

You really think that's a good idea? If it isn't dead, but just hurt real bad then the moment you pick it up to lift it off the road it may go berserk and attack your hand, arm, maybe even run up to your neck like a power saw with no one holding it.

And if you survive, throw it off of you and it scampers off into the woods then you get to be treated for rabies.

Lovely idea he has there, just lovely.

Jeff said...

Wait, I'm confused.... Morrissey wasn't a star in the 60's- what's he doing here?

vbspurs said...

P. Froward wrote:

Looks a bit like Jonathan Winters in that picture, doesn't he? Something about his mouth, and the way his cheeks are filling out as he ages.

Yes! I see it too, good eye!

He has an old-fashioned face, I always thought. Quite unlike any rocker of his time.

Morrissey, not the squirrel.

Hey, why has no one made more of a fanfare about the squirrel's big return on Althouse?

We're slipping.

And LOL @ PatCa's Bush remark.

Cheers,
Victoria

vbspurs said...

Jonathan Winters in the 50s

Cheers,
Victoria

SippicanCottage said...
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Bissage said...

Apparently one ought not trifle with Morrissey. I made a mildly snarky comment yesterday and for the last 24 hours I have been plagued by a host of songs by The Smiths, playing in my head, over and over again. I find myself now suffering the torments of those all too aware of their impending descent into madness. The comic squirrel voice in my head is the only thing standing between me and eternal doom and I fear its trilling falsetto is growing weak.

Oh, take heed good people of Althouse! Beware the dark wizard Morrissey. His powers are both great and terrible.

Mike said...

Heh.

http://www.daybydaycartoon.com/2007/02/08/#a004004

PatCA said...

"the sommelier in an Olive Garden"

Isn't that an oxymoron or something?



(Thanks, Victoria!)

SippicanCottage said...
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