February 6, 2007

"A wig, a trenchcoat, adult diapers, BB gun, a steel mallet, some rubber tubing, and garbage bags."

When Astronauts Attack.

Oh, come on, haven't you at least thought of wearing a Depends to get you through that long, fast car trip... like when you're off to murder somebody?

50 comments:

AJ Lynch said...

So Ann- if you were her attorney, how would you begin to defend her at her trial?

TMink said...

Do you have a feeling that this story is going to get weirder? I do.

Trey

chickenlittle said...

Not surprisingly, it's an old astronaut's trick for getting through prolonged periods of confinement, though I doubt we'll be seeing Neil Armstrong pitching Depends anytime soon.

Bissage said...

You know, I was shocked when I heard about this. I always thought astronauts were smart -- REAL smart.

Diapers? Who wears diapers to drive cross-country?

Everybody knows you rent a car and piddle on the seat.

(Oh, don’t pretend all high and mighty like you haven’t done it yourself.)

RogerA said...

This story will keep the tabloid TVs in business for months--just when we thought there was nothing to talk about.

Wurly said...

I've been trying to limit my murders to people nearby (preferably within walking distance) to reduce my carbon footprint.

Also, using Depends wastes valuable landfill space.

Sloanasaurus said...

What a great story. A BB Gun and Pepper Spray... what passion!

JohnK said...

As a Roman historian once said (I forget which one) "people do not just BECOME depraved". I seriously doubt this woman just went crazy. I bet she has been a fruitloop for years. My question is how was an obviously disturbed person let allowed to be an astronaut and fly in space not two months before she had a mental breakdown? I just feel sorry for her. NASA, on the other hand, I think owes some answers for this.

P. Froward said...

Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!

Christy said...

Wonder if she has a 195 IQ?

Hey, new IQ test question! What can one make from a BB gun, a steel mallet, rubber tubing and garbage bags?

Can't figure out the tubing myself.

Cedarford said...

Meanwhile the Russian & Chinese cosmonauts are rolling on the ground in tears. Thinking of what sort of "consolation call" they should make to their astronaut comrades.

This was over a Shuttle Pilot. "This guy has two gal ASTRONAUTS fighting over him for godsakes! Two women who have probably gone through more psychological screening that anyone else in the country, the world for that matter, have been turned into catty junior high rivals for his affection."

While the foreign space programs are laughing, no doubt a couple of hollywood writers are salivating'

"OK, OK! I see a Alpha male hung like Mapplethorpe's bull whip turning PhD babes into quivering little piles of Jelly.
Fatal attraction in Orbit!
Who do we cast? Clooney?"

"Maybe Denzel or Smits if we want ethnic..."

"What about the bitching babes? How about a genius unexpected casting of a real nutty one - not just Glen Close playing one...I see Mary Kay Letournaeu in a spacesuit, and diapers...."

"The romantic rival? Hot. Gotta be hot and able to appear NASA-smart, which unfortunately rules out Paris and 100 other babes. Kidman costs too much. How about that German babe from the "It's All About the "O" ! ads?" Sabine Erhenberg? She is an accomplished pilot, model, mechanic, and firearms competitor!"

Ah, this is tabloid heaven! The Brits have to have 80 muckraking reporters on a charter jet to America as we speak.

bearbee said...

Can't figure out the tubing myself

Rubber tubing and garbage bags for emergency use if the Depends run out.

RogerA said...

Christy: you clearly lack the imagination to be a murderer: tubing is to tie the victim up; one story indicated there was a four inch knife also found. So...here's the scenario:

The bb pistol to gain entry into the victims car; the rubber tubing to tie her up, the steel mallet to render the fatal blow, the knive to do the carving, and the garbage bags to dispose of the (ahem) parts

Unmentioned was the fava beans and a good chianti

Beth said...

I'm pretty sure some people wear adult diapers to get through long days during Mardi Gras:

Ain't no place to pee on Mardi Gras Day
Ain't no place to pee on Mardi Gras Day
No matter what you say
No matter what you pay
Ain't no place to pee on Mardi Gras Day
--Bennie Grunch and the Bunch

Beth said...

Hey, I just noticed my name is different. I've been "Elizabeth" on Blogger, but now I'm "Beth." That's okay, because I usually do use Beth. I just don't know how or when that change happened on Blogger.

Molon_Labe_Lamp said...

Houston we have a problem...

c'mom, 15 comments in and no one said this? You guys are slipping.

Molon_Labe_Lamp said...

"Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!"

Nice reference Froward. Maybe she was on her way to steal her rivals precious bodily fluids.

Ruth Anne Adams said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RogerA said...

Thanks Ruth Ann--how about Clue references? The astronaut in the parking lot with the steel mallet?

Pogo said...

Re: "Police said Nowak told them that she only wanted to scare Shipman into talking to her about her relationship and didn't want to harm her."

"That's it, yeah! I just wanted to talk to her, you know, with the help of a wig, a trench coat, an air cartridge BB gun and pepper spray."

Obviously, Lisa Marie Nowak's just a fan of Project Runway, season 2, and planned a little design challenge for Ms. Ferguson, that's all. It's fashion, people. Make it work!

class-factotum said...

Depends wastes valuable landfill space

Well, actually, most of what's in a disposable diaper is wood pulp, which is an organic product, which is biodegradable. Perhaps the material surrounding it doesn't decompose or prevents the pulp from breaking down, but the absorbant fluffy stuff can degrade.

(Former employee of a paper company....)

SippicanCottage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peter Palladas said...

osnztThe rubber tubing?

Clearly because she was planning on a sex-change operation half-way across and EVERYONE knows that men use tubing to wee out the window on that long journey.

Just wish the whole thing had kicked off on the Shuttle with all three looning around in gravity-free slo-mo.

Sort of 'Jules et Jim' meets 'Solaris' - the original Tarkovsky version mind you.

Or maybe a 'Kill Bill' /'Rashomon hybrid.

Forget that - it's 'Vanishing Point 2: Diaper Day'

Word Verification: znugplg - the perfect diaper for that crazy day. Come on ladies you know it makes sense!

Peter Palladas said...

I've been trying to limit my murders to people nearby (preferably within walking distance) to reduce my carbon footprint.

That is such good advice: think global, slaughter local.

Rather chillingly though that makes me realise the Internet is the perfect medium for the re-make of 'Strangers on a Train.'

So if the idea catches on (maybe it already has) you didn't hear it from me!

Bissage said...

Yet another masterpiece from the Cottage of Sippican!

vnjagvet said...

Another triumph of feminism. A Naval Academy grad and test pilot with TailGate tendencies, just like her brothers.

PatCA said...

Oh, Sippican, LOL, A CLASSIC!


BTW, Wouldn't it just be easier and smarter to shoot her? This is definitely an overachiever's murder plot.

Cedarford said...

Nowak also has a Nick Nolte/Glen Campbell-worthy bad hair day lineup photo.

*Memo to self - If fame comes, 1st thing must learn to do is take a good picture while drunk or deranged like Mel Gibson did. Because you never know!*

She is a Naval Academy graduate. Oh, thank you, thank you!!! - Gods of ball-busting - for that! (I work with a few Annapolis ring-knockers).

Also married to another guy with 3 children. "Well, kids, Mommy decided to take an interesting drive in diapers to meet some special friends of hers and some strange stuff happened.....I'm sure she'll be fine soon...

vbspurs said...

Christy: you clearly lack the imagination to be a murderer: tubing is to tie the victim up; one story indicated there was a four inch knife also found. So...here's the scenario:

The bb pistol to gain entry into the victims car; the rubber tubing to tie her up, the steel mallet to render the fatal blow, the knive to do the carving, and the garbage bags to dispose of the (ahem) parts

Unmentioned was the fava beans and a good chianti


Best reply of the day!

Cheers,
Victoria

vbspurs said...

Did you guys check out the casting comments on the link Ann provided?

Hmm. Holly Hunter makes good with the crazy eyes, though.

Patricia Heaton gets the Lifetime version. Or Bonnie Bedelia?


Now, why can't we be funny like that?

(I say Toni Colette is perfect, but just for the mugshot scene, I suggest the producer's cast Amy Sedaris)

Cheers,
Victoria

Peter Palladas said...

Best reply of the day!

Damn, my heart is semi-broken.


[Word Verification: orqsaf - that state of being where emotional uncertainty triumphs over rational rectitude.]

Ed said...

I'm surprised no one has mentioned the obvious - space madness. Ren & Stimpy have a fascinating exposition on the dangers of space madness.

J said...

'Vanishing Point 2: Diaper Day'

Pretty good, but it doesn't really capture the criminal insanity aspect. How about "Queen to Queen's Level Three"?

Tim said...

It's not quite Chandra Levy and Gary Condit, but its beginning to feel a little like September 10th around here...

SMGalbraith said...

Remember when I once said that I'd be thrilled to ride with the astronauts and go into space.

Well, scratch that please.

Let's see, that moves up sleeping with Shania Twain on my list of things to do before I die one notch.

Art said...

If they can keep this case going the networks can spin right past the verdict in the Libby trial without having to report it.

Ernst Blofeld said...

General Turgidson! When you instituted the human reliability tests, you *assured* me there was no possibility of such a thing ever occurring!

Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.


Nice to see she retained her astronaut training and had a checklist to make sure everything was coverd.

Susan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Susan said...

So it's a crime of fashion rather than of passion?? And all this fuss just because she wanted to talk some sense into a sexual interloper... Just got a little excited with the pepper spray because she forgot her NASA-issue taser for use on female rivals? What's a gal to do?

jpr9 said...

Let me get this straight. She's living in Texas, the heart of gun country, and the best she could do is a BB gun. And this despite the fact that she drove so she wouldn't be going through any security checkpoints. What an amateur!

Christy said...

Color me clueless. Besides, I'm more of a grab the biggest knife in the kitchen and go after the boyfriend kind of girl.

Dukedirk said...

This list reminds me of Mickey Rourke in Sin City. You might not want to know what the rubber tubing is for.

hygate said...

I've been trying to limit my murders to people nearby (preferably within walking distance) to reduce my carbon footprint.

Also, using Depends wastes valuable landfill space.


Ed Begley Jr. reads this blog?

Susan said...

I wondered about the BB-gun myself. Almost makes her seem truthful about just wanting to scare her rival.

Jim O'Sullivan said...

On a semi-serious note: Colleen Shipman is not an astonaut, as some in the media have mistakenly implied. She is in the Air force, though. See: http://www.timesonline.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=17817887&BRD=2305&PAG=461&dept_id=478569&rfi=6

Just tryin' to be helpful, as always!

Jim O'Sullivan said...

Oh, and I think Roger A has it nailled, IMHO.

Susan said...

Lisa just lost her head. And now she's lost absolutely everything else. Crime of passion. I'm with the French: give her a slap on the wrist but heavy on the restraining orders. Mandatory therapy. GPS bracelet (how attractive!) Charm school, perhaps. And no more rocket jocks.

Tantor said...

Do you think this event will be added to the list of female firsts we see so often: FIRST FEMALE ASTRONAUT TO BE ARRESTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER! Another milesone for the unstoppable march of women's lib. You've come a long way, baby!

I wonder if the media would be so slow to draw conclusions were this a male astronaut. Can't you just see the amateur psychoanalysis of a male astronaut in such a situation as an indictment of the macho astronaut culture?

Most of all, I would have like to have been a fly on the dining room wall when the object of these two women's affections was sitting down with his cornflakes and listening to the morning news to hear his name splashed all over it because of a fatally attracted loony female coworker trying to rub out her rival. Picture his face at that moment.

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