March 7, 2007

Okay, I'll do it. I'll blog "American Idol."

Your requests have not gone unheard. I will go back to "American Idol" blogging! At least tonight. I will watch in real time and simulblog to keep from losing my mind. All for you, my dear friends.

1. Ryan's looking all arty in a black suit with a black turtleneck. Isn't it rude not to shave? Jordin Sparks sings some Pat Benatar. "Heartbreaker." It's full of ugly vibrato. Sparks demonstrates the erstwhile unknown authenticity of Pat Benatar. Randy thinks she's hot (and better than all the boys). Paula does the theme she's been working all season: Singers should keep getting better. Simon calls her shrieky.

2. Sabrina has her crinkly bronze hair and crinkly bronze dress. She's singing about "heartbreakin'" -- so I guess the breaking of the hearts is a theme tonight. The song makes no sense to me. No, I will go further. The song makes me hate music. Forever! Randy wishes the song had a little more melody for him. Yeah! I want some for me too. Paula praises but in amongst the praise says the word "piercing," and I feel my eardrums do a little sympathetic scrunch.

3. Ack. It's Antonella Barba. I like the black over-the-knee boots. But as they say: This is a singing contest. She ends kind of nicely, but really, it's not singing. Simon's left with a wistful wish: If only she could sing better. Translation: She's pretty.

4. Hayley Scarnato: She's awful. America, make her go away. Only Simon is honest: "I thought it was horrible." He's all: I don't even know her name. Paula offers: Hayley. Simon: "What's her surname?" And everyone in the place -- and in America -- is all: What are you talking about? Surname?!!! Who are you, English boy? In the recovery phase, with Ryan, we see her in closeup, with giant, heavy earrings, and they are stretching out her earlobes in a ghastly fashion, like in those commercials for those anti-ear-sag stickers. Then she reveals bad attitude: "Every week, I've gotten bad comments. You just gotta do what you gotta do. You gotta clock in, clock out. So, I'm clockin' in, doin' my job, and I wanna clock out, right after I walk off the stage." Ooh! They don't usually go all human like that.

5. Stephanie. Nice but bland.

6. LaKisha. She hates puppies! ("Terrified of animals.") Uh, oh. Will America accept a puppy-hater? She's screetching that "don't walk away from me... I have nothing" song that they always do, the one that goes all sweet on the final "yooooooooo."

7. Now, it's Gina, who's wearing a thin, stretchy gray knit dress with a red bra showing through. Should we do that? Wear red bras that show through? Maybe I'll go with that look for the next BloggingHeads.tv. She's doing well. Possibly the best "rocker chick" we've ever seen on the show.

8. Melinda Doolittle. Oh, no! She's talking about her OCD, how she has to chew an equal amount on both sides, etc. "It's all about equality." Okaaaay. She sings a song I know: "I'm a Woman." Wow! I love it. This is the only performance I genuinely enjoy. I mean, it reacquaints me with the idea of enjoying a performance. If OCD helped with that, I'm for OCD.

13 comments:

StephenB said...

Your requests have not gone unheard.

Since you're taking requests now...I'd really like another podcast. Please.

NURAINA A SAMAD said...

Hi Ann,

All the way from Malaysia:

Wishing you a Happy International Women's Day!

Emmett M. Hogan said...

Wait, what's wrong with "surname"? They don't know what that means over here?

But then again, I'm from Ireland...

Ann Althouse said...

Emmett: I think they've got to know, but they saw a chance to yank his chain.

Ann Althouse said...

Hello, Malaysia!

Ruth Anne Adams said...

Goodbye, Malaise!

MadisonMan said...

Hello Mayonnaise!

Thanks for the simulblog. I couldn't watch tonight.

SteveR said...

See that wasn't so hard, its like the good ole days. Now we need to get Michael Farris back here. Whats a good week if you can't bitch about some vibrato.

Emmett M. Hogan said...

Heh - I'm surprised one of those bobbleheads didn't say, "um, shouldn't it be a ladyname?"

PatCA said...

"...enjoying a performance."

Exactly. Most of them don't have the experience (or depth) to deliver an actual performance, which is different from singing a song.

Michael Farris said...

"Now we need to get Michael Farris back here. Whats a good week if you can't bitch about some vibrato."

I'm so .... touched that my cher publique remembers my humble efforts at distilling a theory and praxis of idol meta-critique but time's moved on and so have I ...

I might dip my toe in the idol waters when they've narrowed it down to ten or so but not living in the US I'm not so sure how much of my youtube time I want to devote to the dubious talents of idol contestants (if anything I'd be tempted to join the vote for the worst bandwagon...)

Joe Baby said...

Wouldn't surprise me if 5 yrs from now, after an unmemorable Playboy portfolio, Antonella is making news at YLS.

Sad that someone will get kicked off tonight while Antonella lives on.

Love that Haley decided, "they don't like me" or some similar drivel. Ignoring the advice that Simon gives, which might actually help keep her around a bit, she continues to play the "they're mean" card and think that pearly whites and a drop of cleavage means she's a good singer.

Age Appropriate said...

Well, I have to be careful which websites and blogs I read midweek as here in the UK, we don't get to see American Idol until all 3 episodes get shown on Friday evening and I don't want to read any spoilers. I thought I was safe reading Althouse's blog but it was an unexpected treat to read this post about The Idol. She's spot on, especially about the dreadful Haley with her bad attitude!