May 28, 2008

How to snack like Barack Obama.

You'll want 2 things:

1. MET-Rx chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars. (Get some here. Hmmm: "This product contains sugar alcohols, which may cause gastrointestinal discomfort. Excessive consumption may have a laxative effect." Be careful, Barack!)

2. Black Forest Berry Honest Tea.

And if you're thinking of making this into the Barack Obama diet, so you can be as fit as Barack Obama, you might want to get your own personal "body man," and let's hope he has a name like "Mr. Love." Damn it, I want a body man. (Hillary Clinton has a body woman, you know — Huma Abedin.)
Mr. Love said he had been hired with “no job description whatsoever.”

“It was just like, ‘You just go out there and — Take. Care. Of. Stuff,’ ” Mr. Love said, taking his time with each word.
Would you want to be shadowed about by a body man (or woman)? What would your body man do?
When Mr. Obama dropped food on his tie while eating in the car between stops, Mr. Love was ready with a Tide pen. He always carries one, along with ballpoint pens, and has turned himself into a walking dispensary of Sharpies, stationery, protein bars, throat lozenges, water, tea, Advil, Tylenol, Purell and emergency Nicorette, not to mention his ever-present iPhone, BlackBerry and Canon Rebel XT digital camera.
So, one thing is: he basically carries your purse. Your gigantic purse. (Or manly variant of a purse.)

He watches TV with you:
“One cardinal rule of the road is, we don’t watch CNN, the news or MSNBC. We don’t watch any talking heads or any politics. We watch ‘SportsCenter’ and argue about that.”
He says nice things to the media when they are writing puff pieces about you:
“He’s quick and he’s strong,” Mr. Love said of Mr. Obama. “A lot of people still don’t know that he’s left-handed, so he can get to the basket and get his shot off, even though he’s not the most explosive or tallest player on the court.”
The things a lot of people still don't know. How will we ever get up to speed on the candidate by November? Anyway, Barack is left-handed, so hold that MET-Rx chocolate roasted-peanut protein bar in your left hand as a tribute when you undertake the Barack Obama diet. Get plenty of exercise, too. Play basketball. Don't be bowling. Watch sports. Don't watch the news. Check your BlackBerry and have a sip of that Black Forest Berry Honest Tea. Layer in some Nicorette for balance. Now, relax. Purify your hands. Hope. Dream. Everything is going to be all right.

ADDED: "Are you gonna save me? Can you save me? You gonna make me happy? You gonna make me smile? Can you save me? Tell me, Mr. Love."

43 comments:

Ron said...

Now, now...you can't get your purse to order a pizza, put down a bet, and complain about a ballclub that never does anything right with you...

Ron said...

Your Mr Love could carry various lenses for your cameras...

Triangle Man said...

Mr. Love sounds a lot like me, at least, as I relate to my toddler.

rhhardin said...

Candidates have to be so careful about pockets.

SteveR said...

I'd rather have a body woman.

corporate law drudge said...

He doesn't look anything like Susan Sarandon.

Sloanasaurus said...

We do know that Obama doesn't watch the history channel or CNBC. His gaffe about his uncle liberating Auschwitz is his worst yet. Anyone with more than superficial knowledge of the holocaust or World War II would never have made the mistake Obama did.

When Obama stated that FDR met with our enemies most people thought it was s simple mistake and gave him a pass. Now I wonder if Obama really knows who we were fighting in World War II?

Moose said...

Is Mr. Love's first name Buddy?

SteveR said...

Obama was in Indonesia during the elementary school years when most American school children undertake extensive studies of WWII.

Richard Dolan said...

The "body man" accessory makes the presidential campaign seem even more like a made-in-Hollywood event. Yet, when image is everything, it makes a certain sense. Still, it's hard to imagine Truman, say, going around with a "body man," and even less with a "body woman" (other than Bess).

al said...

Obama was in Indonesia during the elementary school years when most American school children undertake extensive studies of WWII.

Obamamesiah and I are almost the same age (3 months apart) and I didn't study WW2 until middle school. According to the all-knowing wikipedia he was back in Hawaii in the 5th grade until high school graduation. He's just making up stuff as he goes along and the MSM loves him so much that they just don't care. And the Obamamaniacs fall over themselves making excuses for him. If this were McCain or W they would be all up in arms at their (McCain/W) stupidity.

Modern Otter said...

Anyway, Barack is left-handed

If this sentence has been here for more than five minutes, you people are really slipping.

Hoosier Daddy said...

His gaffe about his uncle liberating Auschwitz is his worst yet.

That's assuming of course his uncle wasn't with the Soviet 332nd Rifle Division.

Hoosier Daddy said...

Actually Sloan, I think his worst gaffe was when he was talking to the crowd of vets during Memorial Day and remarked:

“On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — our sense of patriotism is particularly strong.”

So he also see's dead people.

P. Rich said...

Black man plays basketball. Caricature in work. Move along.

"we don’t watch CNN, the news or MSNBC"

Now that's an interesting way to separate the TV media. Does Love carry a silenced .22, just in case a "special" task comes along.

And could we dispense with the gaffe and misspoke usage. When someone fabricates a sophisticaked falsehood in order to benefit politically, that's a self-serving lie - not an innocent mistake. Dems should be proud. Things other than cream rise to the top.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

His gaffe about his uncle liberating Auschwitz is his worst yet.

That's assuming of course his uncle wasn't with the Soviet 332nd Rifle Division


Isn't it interesting how Obama trotts out and props up his "white" relatives to make various political points?

His white Grandmother is a typical white racist person. Booo on her. His white Uncle is a war hero who suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome for liberation Auschwitz ...um...Buchenwald...or whatever. Some place where the joooooos were being killed. (You know the people that many in his campaign hate and his buddy Farrakhan really hates) Pandering to the crowd about spending more money on veteran's care. In a war long ago that he doesn't even bother to know anything about.

What a freaking poser he is. I wonder if he has any real feelings for his family and what new relatives he is going to invent and insert into the campaign. Maybe he will miraculously discover is part Cherokee Indian and can go for the Native American casino block. How about a link to Chinese railroad workers or Mexicans so he can round up that demographic too.

titustheresnoplacelikehome said...

If it's any comfort fellow republicans the NY Times did the same exact puff piece on Bush's personal assistant Blake Gottesman.

You know about him. He was the one who got into Harvard Business School without getting an undergrad degree.

No problem, he has 6 years of working for the most amazing president this country has ever had.

Man your battle stations. It is time we get Scott Mcclellan. He has wrote a vicious book about George W Bush and Karl Rove.

Balfegor said...

And if you're thinking of making this into the Barack Obama diet, so you can be as fit as Barack Obama, you might want to get your own personal "body man," and let's hope he has a name like "Mr. Love." Damn it, I want a body man.

There's a perfectly good word for this job and it's not "body man." He's a valet. Or a manservant, if you prefer.

Hoosier Daddy said...

Man your battle stations. It is time we get Scott Mcclellan. He has wrote a vicious book about George W Bush and Karl Rove.

Titus, you really need to keep your cool. Hardly anyone here defends Bush in all matters or even thinks he's anything less than mediocre.

Stick with fashion or talking about your fabulous clumbers. You just don't do political snark well at all.

Sloanasaurus said...

Actually Sloan, I think his worst gaffe was when he was talking to the crowd of vets during Memorial Day and remarked:

Yes, that was a pretty bad gaffe too. Both are signs that Obama may lack a general understanding of history, which would be unfortunate for the country and the world.

titustheresnoplacelikehome said...

Hoosier, I love Bush and I will defend it to my dieing day.

Hoosier Daddy said...

Hoosier, I love Bush and I will defend it to my dieing day.

In that case, carry on.

Hoosier Daddy said...

Yes, that was a pretty bad gaffe too. Both are signs that Obama may lack a general understanding of history, which would be unfortunate for the country and the world.

Well yeah but honestly, few people probably know the details of who liberated who so yeah it was a gaffe and I'll grant him that stuff. The thing is, they all make these kinds of dumbass mistakes, mispeaks or misunderestimations of pronunciations.

The kicker is, the right gets accused of being petty yet Bush was never cut one ounce of slack everytime he stuck his foot in his mouth. Then again, hardly anyone on the right ever claimed that Bush was some intellectual brain trust whereas all I hear about Obama his his near messianic oratorical skills. Yet once he's off the teleprompter he's about as articulate as my ten year old daughter.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

"The thing is, they all make these kinds of dumbass mistakes, mispeaks or misunderestimations of pronunciations."

Ignorance of world history and world changing events is not a positive quality in the President of the United States....as we have all seen in several Presidents. Finding out after the fact (electing the bozo) is bad enough but to know ahead of time that the candidate has as much world history knowledge and diplomacy skills as a 14 year old is frightening.

bearbee said...

Maybe he will miraculously discover is part Cherokee Indian and can go for the Native American casino block. How about a link to Chinese railroad workers or Mexicans so he can round up that demographic too.

Transgender. With that claim (s)he could transcend gender.

Palladian said...

"Hoosier, I love Bush and I will defend it to my dieing day."

When is your dyeing day? Because you've got roots, sister.

knoxwhirled said...

There's a perfectly good word for this job and it's not "body man." He's a valet. Or a manservant, if you prefer.

Can't hear the word "valet" without thinking of Clive Owen in "Gosford Park." yums

Roger J. said...

I am not particularly concerned about verbal gaffes--I am surprised the candidates can even speak. And I can give Obama a pass on not knowing what prison camp was which--Seem like History is not very well studied in most Insitutions after the late 1960s.

That said, Obama's story about his uncle is starting to look as implausible as Hillary's excellent adventure in Bosnia. I am just curious at why some are SHOCKED to find out candidates lie like rugs!

blake said...

We do know that Obama doesn't watch the history channel or CNBC. His gaffe about his uncle liberating Auschwitz is his worst yet. Anyone with more than superficial knowledge of the holocaust or World War II would never have made the mistake Obama did.

Nah, I disagree. It's not his worst (57 states is the worst; it's a "potatoe" moment) and it's not all that hard a mistake to make. When you think "concentration camp", you think "Auschwitz".

When Obama stated that FDR met with our enemies most people thought it was s simple mistake and gave him a pass.

Now this was not a gaffe and was really atrocious. If you're going to argue for appeasement, you really don't want to use WWII as your example, since it was one of the best examples of how bad appeasement can turn out.

ted said...

If OBambi thinks he can take it to the hole on me just cuz he's left-handed, I will stick that s*** back down his throat.

Figures he's a lefty tho.

mattreynolds42 said...

Every once in a while, I actually read something about Obama I like. This is one of those rare occassions. First, he's a lefty. That's a small but important bonus. Secondly, the job of Presidency is far too big for any one person so I tend to judge a Presidential candidate by the quality of his staff. Mr. Love sounds like an extremely compotent valet possessing all the archtypal qualities of the ideal manservant. The fact that Mr. Love is well suited for his job makes Mr. Obama look good.

Now, if Mr. Obama had as compotent of advisors as valets...

Lou Minatti said...

Mr. Love is to Barack Obama what Jerome was to Morris Day.

Wendy said...

Actually, Huma Abedin is not a "body woman." She's been referred to as one of the "Gang of Four" - two of which (Solis Doyle, Penn) are now gone. She is more like a traveling Chief of Staff. If you want to talk with Hillary, you may want to talk with Abedin first/more, just as if you want to talk with Oprah, you want to talk with Gayle first/more, to get a read on how your talk with Oprah will go (and possibly the ultimate blessing from the closest advisor.)

I expect that Mr. Love is an excellent body man. It's a hellish job and requires an extraordinary personality. But he's no match for Ms. Abedin's seniority.

I particularly dislike seeing Abedin referred to as a "body woman" because in the earlier days of the campaign the far right put out some stories suggesting that she and Hillary were in a lesbian relationship. (Their "evidence" was that Abedin is smoking hot.) How tired. (Or "lameness", as the tag goes.)

Wendy said...

Just wanted to add, Ann, I recently saw a media reference to Abedin as a "body woman" and am assuming you saw it also - I'm not suggesting that's your evaluation of her.

Daryl said...

Why don't you have a nice cup of:

"Black Barry forewent honesty"

knoxwhirled said...

Mr. Love is to Barack Obama what Jerome was to Morris Day.

LOL!

tom swift said...

Is he a lefty? Is there some evidence for this? By this stage, I don't believe a thing he says, or a thing anyone else says about him, either. But real evidence would be another matter. There should be loads of photos of him signing checks - practice for all those freebies he's been promising us.

tom swift said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MathMom said...

I think too many people give Barry a pass on needing to history. My son, when he was in 2nd grade, knew all about WWII, causes, cures, all about the planes, ships and weapons used, everything. He knew everything about the Titanic when he was in Grade 1, and that was a year before the stupid movie came out.

He started watching Band of Brothers every Memorial Day when he was in Grade 4. When I want to know something about WWII, I ask him first. If it doesn't sound right, I look it up, and find that my memory has failed me.

My son is now in Grade 11 and just got 2300 on his SATs, which he has been taking since Grade 7.

All this is not to merely brag on my son, although if you like, I can go on...but to show that if you are interested in something, you'll learn about it.

Barack is not interested in US history. He is interested in pandering to others who are not interested in US history, and has done that for so long that he thinks no one knows anything about it so he can saw whatever comes to his mind.

This man is supposed to be an intellectual powerhouse, but is a lightweight. The presidency is not an entry-level position.

MathMom said...

Proofread, proofread! My son watched B of B starting in Grade 6, not 4. Typing on the laptop is not my strong suit.

jpr9954 said...

Mr. Love is a Dookie? Well, as a Tar Heel that clinches it - McCain get my vote.

jpr9954 said...

Mr. Love is a Dookie? Well, as a Tar Heel that clinches it - McCain get my vote.

chuck b. said...

Did we know that Obama smokes? It was just mentioned on the news wrt/ his rececnt physical exam. How does smoking impact his snack profile?