November 9, 2008

Mariah Carey tells the world that she waited until after the wedding to have sexual intercourse with Nick Cannon, her second husband.

Link. Possible responses:

1. You're 38 and it's your second marriage, no one cares about your pretentious chastity, and this is lame publicity seeking.

2. When you're old enough to be jaded about everything, this is a great way to make your wedding exciting.

3. She may be a publicity hound and she may even be lying, but she has influence over some people, and I love seeing her use it this way.

4. No one cares, and it just embarrassing to act like she thinks anyone cares.

5. Hey, why can't I have an adorable husband with a cool name like Nick Cannon?

26 comments:

AllenS said...

Maybe they didn't have sexual relations. Maybe they only practiced oral sex. Don't you remember the rules of the game?

ricpic said...

I was going to post that Nick Cannon, er...relieved himself with other ladies during the engagement period, but Allens is probably closer to the truth.

jdeeripper said...

5. Hey, why can't I have an adorable husband with a cool name like Nick Cannon?

When I was a kid I wanted to be a cool guy named Rock Granite. With shades I walk into the bar..."I'll have the usual and put it in a dirty glass. Pronto."

Meanwhile I was like 11 years old.

6. You are engaged to a black guy and figured if he could "f" you before marriage then the wedding would be canceled.

AllenS said...

Maybe they didn't have sex, because one of them, or both of them, had a herpes flairup.

AllenS said...

Which would rule out comment #1.

paul a'barge said...

Hey, why can't I have an adorable husband with a cool name like Nick Cannon

You had a husband, and had children by him. What happened to that? Was his name not cool?

LarsPorsena said...

"Maybe they didn't have sex, because one of them, or both of them, had a herpes flairup."

Funniest and most likely.

Bissage said...

You can search eBay all you want but you will never find the blood-stained bed sheet from their honeymoon.

I’ve got it and it is not for sale.

Next Halloween, I will go trick or treating.

Ann Althouse said...

She's clear in the linked article: "It's not that we had no intimacy, we just didn't have complete intimacy."

I consider that too much information. I should have had a fifth possible response: No one cares about your branching out into an additional sexual practice.

Ann Althouse said...

Paul, settle down. It's a "possible" response.

LarsPorsena said...

Bissage:
"You can search eBay all you want but you will never find the blood-stained bed sheet from their honeymoon.

I’ve got it and it is not for sale.

Next Halloween, I will go trick or treating"

Okay, yours is the funniest but allens is still most likely.

AllenS said...

Damnit, Lars it's AllenS. Blogger comment format sucks.

Ben (The Tiger) said...

"Cannon was born in San Diego, California, to 17 year old accountant Beth Gardner (née Hackett), and James Cannon"

So the mom at 17 was an accountant and had already picked up a husband with whom marriage had obviously failed b/c she was having children with another man.

Wow -- they work quick in San Diego...

Darcy said...

Geez, paul. What an asshole comment.

As for Mariah Carey...yeah, TMI.

Jennifer said...

6. I suppose that explains why you got married like a month and a half after you started dating...?

Radish said...

My sister married her first husband so they could have sex without feeling guilty about it. But she was 19. You do stupid things when you're 19.

chickenlittle said...

Divorce is contagious

Palladian said...

I wonder if she presented him with a contract rider for the honeymoon suite specifying a bottle of Roederer Cristal champagne and a box of "bendy straws".

Maybe Nick Cannon was the "fresh fruit, washed and uncut".

Ron said...

Women want to marry Nick Cannon, but eventually settle for Fred Blunderbuss. Sad, really.

Trooper York said...

Hey it least she didn't marry Rick Derringer.

He wouldn't be able to touch the sides.

Trooper York said...

Plus as I understand it, Mariah has a remarkably smelly twat.

So he was just praticing holding his breath.

Susan said...

Maybe it took them 2 months to get her out of those sausage casings she calls clothes.

blake said...

Mariah who?

They used to call the wind "Mariah", I'm told. Not sure why that is.

Shawn Levasseur said...

My response:

A boast of one's chastity reveals a lack of modesty. I thought the same when Brittany bragged of her virginity years ago.

Ralph said...

I hope that photo of him has been retouched, cuz baby ain't got back. Or thighs.

Trooper York said...

No, they used to say the wind smelled like Mariah.

But that was only down by the Fulton Fish Market.