January 13, 2009

"A programmable robotic vagina that looks sort of like a cake mixer promises to be the most exciting sex toy ever invented for men."



I renew my argument that the term should be "sex tool," not "sex toy." Apparently, you plug it into your computer and it derives "artificial intelligence" from the pornography you are viewing.

Too scary? This may be more your style:

62 comments:

knox said...

W



T



F

EDH said...

I reiterate my prior critique:

I think Ann's definition of "toy" is too restrictive. A tool is an implement we use to affect the external world. A toy we use to amuse ourselves and others. Shouldn't anything that is used to perform sex be called a "toy," whereas anything thought necessary to acquire sex in the outside world, say a Porsche, be called a "tool"?

Maguro said...

It looks like some kind of torture device. I think I'd rather be waterboarded.

ricpic said...

Vagina Dentata Alert.

Mark O said...

A tool is for work; a toy is for play. It's all in how one views sex.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

Woah!!! That looks like it will make fettucini out of your wiener.

The guys who invented this seriously need to get out of their mother's basement and meet some real live girls.

ricpic said...

A tool is for work; a toy is for play.
In this case it's clearly the other whichaway.

Original George said...

So I presume that in the future one would jack in to jack off?

Bissage said...

I’m sure they’re very nice and all . . . but I still think I’d feel kind of self-conscious taking one of those things out for dinner and a show.

traditionalguy said...

This would make a great gag gift. Please don't tell me it's also designed better than the old model female vagina. At least this secret Tool can never replace a good Trophy Wife. Wait, a new Segway could be the Trophy Tool that can make up for that.

Meade said...

I've noticed some people saying Mickey Rourke looks as though he has been through the wringer.

AllenS said...

Labels: sans breasts

cobaltbob said...

If it's Monday, Professor Althouse is dredging up douche bag, despite her (as she reminds us) advancing age. Many happy returns, BTW.

If it's Tuesday, it's artificial vagina time.

What decline in human civilization will this site contribute to on Wednesday?

al said...

I’m sure they’re very nice and all . . . but I still think I’d feel kind of self-conscious taking one of those things out for dinner and a show.

At least you would know you were going to get lucky afterwards...

Cedarford said...

It's gotta be by the Japanese. They are the true world champ sex pervs.

Go there sometime. Or Thailand, where Japs go to do the things that they can't do back home...Quite a show.
(I like the Japanese, BTW. No people on the planet quite like them.)

Realize the typical man there starts his workday off with a shot of weak coffee served cold, with hot noodles flavored with dried fish, and a fresh manga comic that detail the intricacies of young virginal schoolgirls having tentacle sex with sea monsters, or roped up sex with rapists. It then goes downhill, the rest of the day.

al said...

Since it's programmable - what happens if it gets hacked? Or catches a virus? For the users sake I hope there is a reset button.

Tibore said...

Oh, Gawd, it really is a power sex tool.

Michael H said...

I'd prefer a daiquiri whacker. Same end results, if you invite the right guests.

EDH said...

According to Bissage, a simple "head" of lettuce was good enough for the Chairman.

Bono’s theme explained:

“I am awed by the fact that Frank Sinatra once cored a head of iceberg lettuce with his penis.”


Or is that being too selfish?

The Crack Emcee said...

Is learning how to talk to girls that tough?

Jeez.

Original Mike said...

Like I said, EDH:

Iceberg lettuce: It can be anything you want it to be.

William said...

Maybe if they gave it a make-over: Give it some Ferrari lines and paint the moving parts with slightly varying shades of pink. As it looks now, it just lacks sex appeal. I know it's wrong to judge a machine by its looks instead of its energy efficiency, but men are superficial.

reader_iam said...

Did you put this post up in honor of Jon Swift?

reader_iam said...

Did you?

reader_iam said...

C'mon. You can tell us. We won't spill the beans.

Chip Ahoy said...

These photographs disturb me on so many levels.

reader_iam said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
reader_iam said...

Sorry. Wrong thread.

Frank said...

For those who doubt men would stick their junk in such a forbidding object...

well men have been known to venture much scarier places...


http://www.parishilton.com/

Ron said...

If it's programmable, let's get a video of a dozen of them whirring to the tune of "Love Me Tender."

Ron said...

Since it looks like an old-fashioned wringer washing machine, I'll bet it's really old designer had a tough divorce back in the day...

Meade said...

Ron said...
If it's programmable, let's get a video of a dozen of them whirring to the tune of "Love Me Tender."

A dozen. Whoa. Dude.
And everyone says I'm horny.

That is impressive!

Darcy said...

I think they'll need to work on the aesthetics of that...thing.

Theo Boehm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael H said...

That fettuccine maker thingamajig looks like something Erica Jong would create to symbolize how the watchamacallit fears the whosits. The stuff of her dreams.

EDH said...

Looks a little too much like the intake of a wood chipper, doesn't it?

author, etc. said...

Putting this gizmo up for wry commentary was really too easy, Ann. Myself, I just want to know: Is it available on Amazon?

mcg said...

I saw a different photo of this on a gadget blog. That picture is actually with an outer shell removed. With that shell on, it looks pretty nondescript---except from the business end of it.

Ron said...

Looks a little too much like the intake of a wood chipper, doesn't it?

OMG, perfect for our Fargo reenactment! Who here looks like Buscemi?

chickenlittle said...

Ribbed, for his pleasure.

Ouch!

Freeman Hunt said...

Just how hard up does a man have to be to be willing to put that part in there? Who agreed to do the first test run?

Michael H said...

"Just how hard up does a man have to be to be willing to put that part in there?"

Spend some time with drunk male computer software engineers under 30 and the answer will be apparent.

Pogo said...

I think an old girlfriend of mine designed that.

Anyway, it reminds me of her.

It's design is reminiscent of a pencil sharpener which also reminds me of her, for reasons I will not explain.

Trooper York said...

Hey as Eddie Curry of the Knicks will be happy to tell you, you use your driver as a sex toy.

Trooper York said...

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Trooper York said...

Freeman Hunt said...
Just how hard up does a man have to be to be willing to put that part in there? Who agreed to do the first test run?

Well you came to the right place to ask that question.

Trooper York said...

Oh and Bass rules.

Just not the Bass-o-matic.

AJ Lynch said...

Could this explain Mort's absence?

Michael H said...

"Just how hard up does a man have to be to be willing to put that part in there?"

Um...dunno. But this inventor/computer guy could be an example.

I think he has a thing for Nicole Kidman.

TMink said...

Well, there is a tool used in sex, but it is not the woman's.

Trey

peter hoh said...

Apparently, it's "They're Not as Alike as They Seem" day on the blog.

peter hoh said...

Speaking of men putting their what-what in whatever, here's Seattle's Drunk of the Week.

Not for the fainthearted and probably NSFW, too.

Michael H said...

@peter hoh: That photo gives an entirely new meaning to 'Hump Day'

fcai said...

The most important thing is that Titus understands that that is exactly what a pussy looks like.

Original Mike said...

Bass rules!

blake said...

I'm pretty sure women are the most exciting sex toy ever invented for men.

The substitutes are for them what can't handle the excitement.

JohnAnnArbor said...

How about "utensil" or "implement"?

Scott Adams (Dilbert) once said that, once virtual reality becomes cheaper for men than dating, the human race is doomed. This particular mechanical device is not a step in that direction.

mcg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
blake said...

Futurama had a "hygeine" video called "Don't Date Robots" which was along the same lines, but the tight-asses at Fox have had it pulled from YouTube.

"The next day Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens.
Do you know what the name of his planet was?
IT WAS EARTH!
DON'T! DATE! ROBOTS!"

mcg said...

Actually, they do make a Titus version of this device.

theobromophile said...

I'm buying one of those, keeping in my tote, and using it to b-tch slap the next creepy guy who feels me up.

Bet he wouldn't see that coming.

blake said...

"That chick just clocked me with a fake vagina!"

Yes, I could see that being unexpected.