June 13, 2012

"Do you have a Google alert on 'detachable penis'?"

Question asked by me after Meade forwarded me this story:
After leaving its detachable penis to finish inseminating the female, the male orb-web spider fights to the death to protect the impregnated gal. Without the extra weight of its sexual organs, this spider can outlast its competition, new research has found.

55 comments:

The Drill SGT said...

well that could be one big dick.

on the other hand, it just could be the hormones coursing through his system and the knowledge that this was his last best chance of passing on his genes.

Bertram Wooster said...

I'll bet he can fetch coffee faster and rub her feet longer too.

Blue@9 said...

There's a funny King Missile song titled "Detachable Penis."

AllieOop said...

Who would of thought that the lack of a penis would make a male braver, faster, smarter? Lorena Bobbit was just trying to enhance her man.

Methadras said...

Great song from King Missile.

David said...

Hmm, decapitation, emasculation, detachable penis. I'm not sure I like where this blog theme is headed.

Methadras said...

AllieOop said...

Who would of thought that the lack of a penis would make a male braver, faster, smarter? Lorena Bobbit was just trying to enhance her man.


You're an idiot if you think this scales to a different species much less to that of human size. Attributing an evolutionary capability to another species is moronic, just like you. But then again, because you are a shallow-thinking, surface fluff leftard, you will believe anything.

lewsar said...

jesus methadras, i don't agree much with allie's politics either, but i do manage to recognize humor from time to time.

AllieOop said...

Meth, are you back to your spittle flying nastiness again? You are so predictable. You obviously have no sense of humor.

Bob said...

Dickless Wins! Dickless Wins!

Amartel said...

Blue@9-I remember that one! He lost it at a party and was walking down the street and saw it lying out at a sidewalk vendor and had to buy it back.

The Farmer said...

Methadras said...

You're an idiot if you think this scales to a different species much less to that of human size. Attributing an evolutionary capability to another species is moronic, just like you. But then again, because you are a shallow-thinking, surface fluff leftard, you will believe anything.


It's not your fault, Will.

Wally Kalbacken said...

To which I must ask - if you did have a Google alert on "detachable penis" - how in the hell many Google alerts do you have?

yashu said...

Heh. That reminds me of Isabella Rossellini's "Green Porno" short films. For example,

Praying Mantis
Snail
Bee
Earthworm
Spider

traditionalguy said...

Now what would Freud have to say? He would likely say that the male orb web spider is a wimp.

But Freud would likely go into shock after seeing yesterday's Alligator snapping turtle's Jaw.

A man's life that starts as a strong, standing on stare decisis, staff that meets a spider Shirley Abrahamson in her web and his penis becomes stuck.

Allie... they are just jealous of your light hearted touch which makes you an attractive human of the type that Freud and other thinkers could never figure out what they wanted. But it's a pleasure trying to guess.

Largo said...

+1 comment tag

Methadras said...

AllieOop said...

Meth, are you back to your spittle flying nastiness again? You are so predictable. You obviously have no sense of humor.


lulz at spittle flying, since this is being typed out from my mind, I guess I'm frothing in my head. To ascribe me as having a lack of humor is foolish considering your veiled stupidity in your first statement alone trying to pass it off as humor, "Who would of thought that the lack of a penis would make a male braver, faster, smarter?" Clearly, this has double meaning when couched against the second statement trying to hide it as humor.

You may try to fool other people with your aw shucks, I'm just an innocent little girly liberal schtick, but it's so fucking transparent.

Largo said...

Does "detachable" connote "(re-)attachable"? Think of the positional variations!

Methadras said...

lewsar said...

jesus methadras, i don't agree much with allie's politics either, but i do manage to recognize humor from time to time.


No quarter for leftards. They don't deserve an iota of sympathy or graciousness from me. They can all go die in a fire for all I care.

edutcher said...

Zero to transgender in 30 seconds.

Mary Beth said...

"Do you have a Google alert on 'detachable penis'?"

Don't judge me.

Largo said...

yashu,

You kill me! I am introducing my preschool students to the letter "S" today. Last night I happened upon some hand-sized snails that I now have in an aquarium to share. And now you introduce me to this Rossellina video series! I dare not show it, yet how can I resist?!

[Oh, how to do an interrobang in HTML!?]

Fred Drinkwater said...

@methadras: Chill, fool. These are not the trenches of Belleau Wood.
Re: detachability, desirability thereof - IMHO that would depend ENTIRELY on the RE-attachability factor. (re-attachability. Is that a word?)

campy said...

[Oh, how to do an interrobang in HTML!?]

Ampersand + number sign + 8253 + semicolon.

Fred Drinkwater said...

@yashu: Holy cr p! Those are amazing! And I thought I knew a few things about Ms. R - obviously not.

AllieOop said...

Meth, if you seriously think I was indicating that this lack of penis in a spider could be something I would advocate for human males, you are one sick puppy.

Anyone who knows me knows I appreciate the male member, sheesh Meth, get a damn grip.

yashu said...

Haha Largo, I know! Who knew snails were such kinksters?

And Fred, agreed, I love Isabella Rossellini-- she's wonderful and hilarious in these. There are more films (and a newer series of them) at http://www.sundancechannel.com/greenporno.

Carnifex said...

If I had a de-tachable penis, all I would be used for by my wife would be getting things off the top shelf, and rotating the tires on the car!

Agree with Allie. While a liberal, she does mean well, and usually has a soft touch. Brave too. I wouldn't go on the othersides board to hear the ravings and catcalls of the opposition,

AllieOop said...

Carnifex, thanks. I don't like echo chambers, plus I kinda like most of you conservatives.

LarryK said...

If I had a detachable penis, maybe I'd finally get rid of that 15 lbs. I've been trying to lose...

Blue@9 said...

No quarter for leftards. They don't deserve an iota of sympathy or graciousness from me. They can all go die in a fire for all I care.

Sheesh, dude, don't go there. When you start looking at all of life through the lens of politics, you end up bitter and in a self-imposed bubble. Just like some of those wackjob activists who go after people's families. Don't be that guy that everyone avoids at parties.

You should be able to enjoy the company of those who disagree with you. The vast majority of people are not evil. Most liberals aren't evil. They're just misguided.

O Ritmo Segundo said...

"You're an idiot if you think this scales to a different species much less to that of human size. Attributing an evolutionary capability to another species is moronic, just like you. But then again, because you are a shallow-thinking, surface fluff leftard, you will believe anything."

It's not your fault, Will.


Lol.

Ask him to show you the place on his detachable penis where the leftist touched him.

Blue@9 said...

Oh, and as a prime example of why you shouldn't go down that road, look at the Crying Guy. The guy honestly thought Barrett would win, despite clear indications to the rest of us that Walker would win handily.

How did that happen to him? He lives in a bubble. He only listens to sources that reaffirm his beliefs. Do you think the guy knows any conservatives at all? I doubt it. If you listen to him, it's clear that he's already decided that all conservatives are evil. He doesn't associate with conservatives because he's on the side of good, and good doesn't make friends with evil.

Accordingly, when reality passes him by he's in a state of shock. The devil has won, and he pisses his pants on national TV. Don't be that guy. Have a brat with a liberal and tell him why his ideas are wrong, not his moral fiber. You don't persuade fellow voters by denouncing them as evil. (that's what the Dems tried, anyway, and they got crushed)

Icepick said...

"Detachable Penis" by King Missile

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again. This happens all the time.
It's detachable.
[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]
This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it.

First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.

I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on.
I was happy again.
Complete.

People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.
[background voices continue to sing "detachable penis" for a while, then out]

chickelit said...

Snap-on tools got their name from detachable socket wrenches. link

A detachable socket wrench sounds vaguely complimentary to a detachable penis.

Plug meet socket.

Icepick said...

When you start looking at all of life through the lens of politics, you end up bitter and in a self-imposed bubble.

Yeah, that kind of bitterness should really just be reserved fro family members.

Icepick said...

In all honesty, Detachable Penis sounds like a song Andy Summers would have written for a Police B-side.

chickelit said...

Snap-on tools are like a woman in the sense that 1950's American cars were: smooth & curvy with lots of chrome. Felt good in the hand.

chickelit said...

Also very expensive.

bagoh20 said...

Detachable means you could lose it. Try explaining that to your wife.

Lem said...

Detachable means it could be seized by the TSA.

Lem said...

For sex addicts there could be a penis exchange program.

NotquiteunBuckley said...

Purple bananas on the moon is, of course, a detached penis/planet diaspora.

Andy Kaufman was right about all that and whatnot.

Luke Lea said...

How about detachable vagina?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSrL2T4IbcY

Paco Wové said...

Detachable Penis

Reminds me a bit of Gogol's story, The Nose. A partial synopsis:

"Major Kovalyov awakens to discover that his nose is missing, leaving a smooth, flat patch of skin in its place. His nose is already pretending to be a human. He finds and confronts it in the Kazan Cathedral, but from its clothing it is apparent that the nose has acquired a higher rank in the civil service than he and refuses to return to his face."

Lem said...

There is a possible no no going in Houston.

With an unbelievable catch to keep it going.

Lem said...

check that..

the game is in SF.

the astros are being no hit thru seven.

george said...

Were my penis to detach I would need something a little stronger than a Google alert.

After all, I wouldn't even be able to type for help.

What?

Lem said...

Its better than a no hitter.. its a possible perfect game.

the no no its a link to the game.. hope it works.

Lem said...

He did it..

Matt Cain threw the first ever perfect game by a Giant and the 22 ever in the long history of the game.

Cute girlfriend btw.

Carnifex said...

Rodney Carrington sings the best penis song. His "Dear Penis" even makes my wife laugh so hard she cries. Or maybe she's just thinking about my penis. It's made me cry a time or three(am I right fellas?)

glenn said...

If one of Jerry Sanduskys victims had a decent dad and some uncles he'd have a detached penis.

virgil xenophon said...

LOL the song "Detachable Penis" bit! FIRST thing I thought of when I read Ann's post!

Seamus Muldoon said...

"Rodney Carrington sings the best penis song."
I dunno- Mike Cross sings "The Dead Willie Blues". Willie's wife doesn't want the undertaker to haul him off, "Cuz he ain't been this stiff in years!"

sleepless nights said...

Nostalgia! KROQ!