June 27, 2012

"Doctors’ waiting rooms are absolutely brimming these days with women suffering from low libidos."

"I have talked to a lot of young women about this, and they just don’t seem to do it any more.... Honestly, I suppose it’s because we all have so many other demands on our time now."
Many young women also feel guilty or distressed over their low libido....
So... you're so stressed about work that you don't have sex, and then you're stressed about not having sex. Stress! Stress! Stress! What do you think about all this stress as the cause and the effect of not having sex? It strikes me as a shallow and lame explanation for things.

I tend to think that the reason people are doing whatever they are doing is because it's what they want to do. There's something irrational about saying I don't want to do what I don't want to do. Or, to turn it around, I want to want something. If you want it, you want it. If you don't, you don't. Start there. Too busy? Hopeless!

72 comments:

Scott M said...

If you want it, you want it. If you don't, you don't.

My understanding of "labido" has always been that it is the wanting of it.

If you have a low labido, you have a low want for it. It's not any more controllable than feelings of affection. There's also the biological aspect of older prospective fornicators.

AllieOop said...

I hate being the first comment in a thread, but here goes, YES! All the more for us older women, who have learned how to deal with stress.

John said...

Stress is unavoidable. Low self esteem is the real issue. Welcome to the real world ladies.

AllieOop said...

Beat me. I mean being the first commenter, not beat me, oh never mind.

edutcher said...

So, all these years Dad dragged himself home every night and needed to wait until Saturday morning to get it on.

Nobody panicked about it.

More of the "I'm not having it all!!!" fallout.

PS Funny how nobody ever asked Al Bundy about this.

Matthew Sablan said...

People doing what they want to do? Nonsense. We all nobly suffer, staring at the green light at the end of the dock.

Maybe these women don't want to do it, and yet, are constantly told that they SHOULD want to do it, and that is part of the problem?

Matthew Sablan said...

The more likely, less flip, explanation: We're in a recession/depression, mattering on your particular take on it. People, as a whole, are more stressed. Work takes more time; commutes are longer across the board. Everyone's stress is rising, and the author is noticing it now. Maybe it is not a gendered problem at all.

SteveR said...

It's all part of the Republicans' War on Women.

t-man said...

In my experience, libido is increased by external stimulus. Maybe these women are simply complaining that men aren't as stimulating today as they used to be. Men probably feel the same way, but find the pale fire of porn offers some relief.

Henry said...

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

furious_a said...

When I was a young man, young women weren't much interested in sex.

At least, that's what they told me.

Brennan said...

Well, allow me to quote every man in history that nobody knows, but one almost man most people do know.

"If at first you don't succeed - Lower your standards." - Homer Simpson

Beta Rube said...

Is the patient expectation that the Doctor will "cure" this condition? How?

traditionalguy said...

Healthy adults live in a world full of sexual suggestions today. The women need a sexual pursuer. Men are the natural aggressors. Why some women tune them out is likely a general fear of emotional rejection and bad experiences with men who have used them and then ignored them.

Romance is the best answer. The men need to work at loving their woman from the first hello in the morning until the private setting with the right music that night and 10 minutes of deep kissing.

The testosterone level in the man drives him to do this work or to skip it. This is easily supplemented today by a cheap Rx.

What woman wants to be intimate with a selfish jerk?

Henry said...

A lot of these sociological distress signal stories remind me of an essay I read about the way homosexuality was classified as a disorder by the psych industry. Psychiatrists were being visited by men (mostly) who were deeply distressed about their attraction to members of the same sex. Thus, arose the idea that homosexuality caused (or correlated with) deep neurosis.

Then some doctor went and hung out with the gay guys that weren't going to therapy. He found out that they were a pretty normal bunch without a lot of guilt.

Messed up people make everything else in their lives messed up. There's nothing in the water.

phx said...

I want all you poor women to know...I am here for you.


~~Oh my name is Jim Taylor
My d**k is a whaler
And my balls weight niney-nine pounds
So if you know any ladies
Who want any babies
Just tell them Jim Taylor's in town~~

furious_a said...

What woman wants to be intimate with a selfish jerk?

Denise Richards -> Charley Sheen.

BarryD said...

Maybe if they quit watching TV, they'd be able to learn what real life feels like.

Low libido compared to a coked-out starlet who will be dead by age 30? I mean, sometimes you don't want it because you just want a nap. Coke fixes that problem for a while, until you die before 30 anyway.

And it's true that stress doesn't help. Learning about stress relief is part of real life. Again, it can start with turning off the TV.

All told, though, women are learning what equality feels like, also. I completely support it, but I also think that feminists have long painted a ridiculous picture of what it was like to be a man, to have "power" in the corporate world, etc. So maybe the dreamworld just isn't so dreamy.

Something tells me it's not some congenital problem, though.

leslyn said...

TV? TV causes low libido? So THAT'S why no guy wants to have sex during the baseball season. And golf. And NASCAR. And football. And tennis. And hockey.

Oh, and let's not forget badminton.

acm said...

No mention of how many of these women use hormonal birth control, completely skipping the ovulation period when a woman's desire will naturally be at its peak? Interesting.

SteveR said...

leslyn: You apparently don't know much about men, or at the very least, what they consider to be sex.

It doesn't have to be romantic, emotionally deep or even take much time. Blame Darwin

ricpic said...

Does a woman "suffer" from low libido? Does a horse suffer when it's left alone in a field after having been ridden by a pitiless rider who whips it on?

leslyn said...

StevenR,

"leslyn: You apparently don't know much about men, or at the very least, what they consider to be sex. It doesn't have to be romantic, emotionally deep or even take much time. Blame Darwin"

Actually, I do know that. But I was having fun talking about TV. Do you have me mixed up with some other commenter?

DADvocate said...

Seem to me sex would be a good stress reliever.

Many females are learning, quite slowly, that the life of a male, working for a living, the stress, the pressure, ain't as great or fulfilling as they were led to believe.

leslyn said...

Maybe the problem is the company they keep. The source of the quotes is Jilly Cooper:

"The 75-year-old made a name for herself in '80s with a series of romantic fiction books that featured raunchy tales of adultery, betrayal and infidelty.....

"Porn was terribly out of fashion before [Fifty Shades of Gray] came out,” Cooper says. “While I have heard that it is quite poorly written, I am delighted that it’s giving a new lease of life to the [romance] genre.”

So where's a good bodice-ripper when you need one?

Oh phx...

phx said...

I'm so ashamed leslyn.

glenn said...

Stress was what my uncle had when he was a POW in WW2. Stress was what my grandfather had when he worked 7 days a week sunup to sundown so he and his family could eat. What these young ladies have are minor inconveniences that they turn into tragedy so they'll have something to complain about. Get over yourself.

PatCA said...

They are probably just disheartened with the state of sex and love today. Sex has been reduced to a hygienic exercise like working out. A lot of young women have little hope of marriage, or commitment, because we have done away with all those stodgy values.

Hooking up leads to...hooking up. Then despair.

I Callahan said...

So... you're so stressed about work that you don't have sex, and then you're stressed about not having sex. Stress! Stress! Stress! What do you think about all this stress as the cause and the effect of not having sex? It strikes me as a shallow and lame explanation for things.

This is what happens when we tell women "they can have it all". Maybe "all" is not attainable?

carrie said...

Women are constantly told by TV shows, movies, advertising, etc. that their libido should be high like a man's libido. Maybe many women's libidos are different and maybe many women naturally have low libidos, which should be fine. I think the push for women to think that they should have high libidos goes along with the push that recreational sex should be the norm which, in my pov, is all part of the attempt to break down the institution of marriage and to make the gay view of sex the norm.

I Callahan said...

What woman wants to be intimate with a selfish jerk?

Really? If Hollywood is any indicator, you're completely in left field. Women (as a whole) seem to be attracted to type-A's - the "dangerous" type, etc. It's completely biological - if a man is unafraid, he'll be a good protector.

Feminism has turned men into whimpering house eunuchs or the angry type, so now there are less available males to stimulate such women. The catch-22 is that women created this problem in the first place.

AllieOop said...

Carrie, the "gay view" of sex? So why do gays want to be able to be married, so they can cheat on their spouses, just like heterosexuals do?

The Farmer said...

traditionalguy said...

Romance is the best answer. The men need to work at loving their woman from the first hello in the morning until the private setting with the right music that night and 10 minutes of deep kissing.


Oh my sweet Lord, what a load of crap.

Jay said...

This author should log into Twitter and peruse the photos of the 16-25 year old women commenting on the "trending" topics and get back to us on "low libido"

Bryan C said...

"Is the patient expectation that the Doctor will "cure" this condition? How?"

Perhaps the time-tested way that doctors formerly cured feminine hysteria? Vibration is life!

Bender said...

Come on Carrie, get with the new normal. Don't you know that if you -- and especially teens -- are not constantly acting like a dog humping your leg, then you are a complete freak and total loser?

All-sex, all-the-time!! So what if a hyper-sexualized society has made sex tedious and boring?

By the way, here's a few bucks for your health insurance so you can get doped up on hormones so you too can be treated like a flesh-and-blood blow-up doll with impunity!

AllieOop said...

Now Farmer, Tradguy so generously gave you men the secret and what do you do? Poo poo it !

phx said...

Romance is the best answer. The men need to work at loving their woman from the first hello in the morning until the private setting with the right music that night and 10 minutes of deep kissing.


Well, that's what I'm trying to do. Okay, this time listen carefully:

~~My name is Jim Taylor....~~

Jeff with one 'f' said...

AllieOop, google "monogamish".

sydney said...

I used to have trouble understanding the complaint of low libido until someone told me that if she wasn't interested in sex, then sex with her husband just made her feel like she was being used as an object. I can see how that would be a problem. However, it seems to me that unless you are clinically depressed, or you don't like your husband so much, you should be able to reach down inside and feel love for him during the act, even if you aren't all orgasmic.

furious_a said...

Romance is the best answer. The men need to work at loving their woman from the first hello in the morning...

...until they finally put away "Fifty Shades of Gray" at night.

True story -- Mrs. Furious was on a SWA flight where someone left their "Fifty Shades" book in their seat after deplaning. Flight attendant got on the PA and asked if anyone was missing their copy. About half the plane (all ladies) held up their copies.

Jenny said...

Three words: Birth control pills

Bender said...

you should be able to reach down inside and feel love for him during the act, even if you aren't all orgasmic

How about he "feeling" love for her? How about putting authentic love, which does not impose itself on another, before self-centered hedonistic pleasure? How about sex being a manifestation of genuine love, that it be true "lovemaking," rather than just fucking for fun?

Roger J. said...

What Bender said--boinking is fun but at the end of the day doesnt lead to much. I prefer the term lovemaking which encompasses a whole lot more than boinking.

leslyn said...

"Feminism has turned men into whimpering house eunuchs or the angry type, so now there are less available males to stimulate such women. The catch-22 is that women created this problem in the first place."

I think this is the complaint of old guys. From what I know of younger guys, they love the independence, money, and nontraditionalism of what I think you would call "feminist" women.

Younger men don't think of such women as "feminists" though. They just think of her as hot. And fun.

t-man said...

Allie - read this article.

When Rio and Ray married in 2008, the Bay Area women omitted two words from their wedding vows: fidelity and monogamy.....But they knew from the beginning that their bond would be forged on their own terms, including what they call “play” with other women.
As the trial phase of the constitutional battle to overturn the Proposition 8 ban on same-sex marriage concludes in federal court, gay nuptials are portrayed by opponents as an effort to rewrite the traditional rules of matrimony. Quietly, outside of the news media and courtroom spotlight, many gay couples are doing just that, according to groundbreaking new research.
A study to be released next month is offering a rare glimpse inside gay relationships and reveals that monogamy is not a central feature for many.

leslyn said...

As Tony exclaimed on NCIS last night,

"What guy wouldn't think a pretty woman with a gun is hot!

LOL.

damikesc said...

What woman wants to be intimate with a selfish jerk?

But how many women cause their own issue here? They expect men to jump through all of the classic hoops --- but men get dramatically less of a reward for doing so these days. Marriage is frowned upon by an increasingly large group of men (I'm happily married, but I am not so blind as to not notice the ridiculous shortfalls in it when it comes to my sex). Casual sex leads to far too many risks, such as STD's or the false claim of rape when the woman regrets her decision.

I think this is the complaint of old guys. From what I know of younger guys, they love the independence, money, and nontraditionalism of what I think you would call "feminist" women.

It's less work for the man. They also don't tend to mature terribly well as a rule.

phx said...

"What guy wouldn't think a pretty woman with a gun is hot!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtDvpUISCgk

HoneyHoney

leslyn said...

Sorry, my post previous to "Tony" disappeared, so there's no context. Try again:

Feminism has turned men into whimpering house eunuchs or the angry type, so now there are less available males to stimulate such women. The catch-22 is that women created this problem in the first place.

I think this is the complaint of old guys. In my experience, younger guys love women who are independent, have their own money, and are "non-traditional." We're more interesting, fun--and hot.

NOW the Tony NCIS quote.

leslyn said...

damikesc said,

It's less work for the man. They also don't tend to mature terribly well as a rule.

I don't really think that's true. Men still have to capture the interest and heart of a less needy and dependant woman, and that's a challenge. Plus the guys I know (this is anecdotal and observational, I don't have any studies or links) are raising wonderful families. Of course there were a small number who turned out to be dishonest and cheats--there will be in any group--but I didn't like them when they were younger anyway.

Renee said...

Take the TV, computer, and cell phone out of the bedroom Problem solved.

Sorry, I also believe the Pill affects it as well. It shuts down the reproductive function, it will affect other aspects of sexuality.

leslyn said...

A study to be released next month is offering a rare glimpse inside gay relationships and reveals that monogamy is not a central feature for many.

Nor is it in heterosexual relationships, although we don't like to speak of it.

So gays are human too.

leslyn said...

phx said...

"Romance is the best answer. The men need to work at loving their woman from the first hello in the morning until the private setting with the right music that night and 10 minutes of deep kissing."

Well, that's what I'm trying to do. Okay, this time listen carefully: ~~My name is Jim Taylor....~~ 6/27/12 11:56 A.M.

Sinner or later, phx you gotta step up to the plate...even under a pseudonym....

wyo sis said...

It's not rocket science it's sex. Quit thinking about yourself and go do something active or selfless.

leslyn said...

"Sooner." Well, sinner, sooner.

Scott M said...

Quit thinking about yourself and go do something active or selfless.

I'm sexually talented enough that I consider sex both active and selfless.

phx said...

I prefer sinner than later.

The Farmer said...

AllieOop said...
Now Farmer, Tradguy so generously gave you men the secret and what do you do? Poo poo it !


I can't help it - I've never dated a woman who went for all that stereotypical romantic nonsense that women supposedly want, much less one who required that sort of crapola in order to get in the mood.

Some guys convince themselves they're Casanovas with that stuff when they're really just being annoying - strewing rose petals around, lighting candles, trying to suck some poor lady's toes.

phx said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Renee said...

Leslyn, but children would perfer if their parents are monogamous. Not that we should try to owe them any stability in their lives.

leslyn said...

Renee,

Of course they would. That doesn't stop people, though.

Ken said...

There's a difference between low libido and not getting any. Since women have been trained to rationalize all their actions, they blame being nookie free on having low libidos. There's just no way they could be stone cold bitches who treat men like shit, causing men not to hit on them. It's far easier to think that you have some chemical imbalance or a biological defect, rather than an attitude problem.

Ken said...

traditionalguy,

The men need to work at loving their woman from the first hello in the morning until the private setting with the right music that night and 10 minutes of deep kissing.

Seriously, in what world do you live? This is worth it if women will reciprocate, but most single women don't. Most single women do see men as the fault that they aren't getting any, too. Hence, they are still single. What man wants to be with a woman who blames men for all relationship problems?

Blue@9 said...

Is this really a mystery? Women are "suffering" nowadays because "having it all" means not having a stable partner in bed. The more sex you have the more your libido rises. These women just need boyfriends. Or a vibrator and an internet connection (or one of those books with Fabio on the cover).

Raleigh Sex Therapist said...

Ann!

Low libido is NOT hopeless! I agree thought that "busy" is not the issue!! I think the root of the problem is usually relational and reflects the poor way couples manage intimacy between them. Think: the one wants to do their own thing (autonomy); the other wants sharing and sex (closeness) and they push and pull each other in what becomes a power struggle. Sex is a perfect battlefield to fight out this essential relational (marital, long-term, gay/straight) struggle. Often the struggle reflects gender specific issues... he wants to find his greatest passion in work and not be bothered with romance but feels connection most dearly sexually; she wants to be involved in work, children but mostly wants intensity with him, connects through talking - but doesn't want sex. Not to mention lack of orgasm for her, difficulty with self-representation (in and out of bed), family legacies... I make my living trying to figure this out!

Plus have a new book called Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage due out this December. Available for pre-order on Amazon!

Raleigh Sex Therapist

rhhardin said...

Low libidos can be fixed by a libidoplasty.

traditionalguy said...

@ Ken...Try marriage.

Singlehood may seem like a serial catch and release dance when getting to know single ladies and they don't really want to take any risks, but there are some out there who will welcome your advances if you show that you have have good intentions.

Good intentions is a Christian cultural ideal that accepts marriage as the goal of the relationship.

ed said...

You know. The old style traditional marriage is starting to look like it makes a lot more sense.

ampersand said...

These women should watch more panda porn.They'll feel like Mae West in comparison.

Stephen St. Onge said...

        This is a very serious problem.  The women not having sex are blaspheming against The Church of the Holy Orgasm.

        Wicked atheists!

Peter said...

Funny, I had a great-great gradmother that was left in a Kansas soddy while her man went off with General Sam Grant in 1862 She and her kids fought off a raiding party, either Osage or Kiowa, IIRC. And now a hundred and fifty years later with electricity, running water, indoor plumbing, sewage and the automobile, not to mention more changes of clothes and shoes than a family of eight back then, it's STRESS!

Todays poor are living better than the rich of yesterday and half the country is whining.Nation of wusses.