December 22, 2012

"Should Santa Claus still be fat?"

"Santa is a role model, and kids don't want to have a role model that's fat."

Kids don't want? Has any kid ever complained about Santa being fat? But various adults are keen on controlling the messages that reach kids, and in this light, Santa needs to be thoroughly examined for inappropriate messages. I'm going to begin a list:

1. He keeps a list. I have here in my hand a list... This is McCarthyesque and oppressive.

2. He's checking and rechecking the list. This is the stuff of obsessive compulsive disorder.

3. He's a grown man obsessing over whether children are naughty and nice. Obviously creepy. Also puritanical.

4. He watches children when they are sleeping. This condones the invasion of privacy (or worse).

5. He smokes. (This bad-example-setting has already come in for censorship.)

6. He wears fur.

7. He stokes materialism.

8. He takes credit for the work of others (deflecting appreciation that properly belongs to the parents).

9. He operates as an endorsement of a rigid class system by creating the impression that wealthy children are more deserving of gifts than the poor.

10. He breaks into houses at night.

11. He relies on sweatshop/slave labor.

12. He exploits animals.

53 comments:

McTriumph said...

If he still delivers to the ghetto, I bet he's packin too.

Mr. Colby said...

Patriarchal, heteronormative, religiously-discriminatory.

edutcher said...

My kinda guy.

Maguro said...

Has a huge carbon footprint from delivering all those lumps of coal.

EDH said...

I even saw the... mutherfucker kissing my mother underneath the mistletoe last night.

So I shot him, I shot him down.

I shot the Santa.

ricpic said...

It's the lovability factor. The comfort factor. Who wants to crawl up into a lean lap? Well...Titus excepted.

Robert Zaleski said...

It's funny, I cant' lie to my kids so they know there's no Santa. Of course one out of 4 of our families is doing the Santa thing so now I'm in the awkward position of what I should tell my kids to do.

MB said...

Actual, Santa is a communist. He wears red and has a beard. Promotes egalitarian values while the elites still get the cream. Intrusive social engineering using progressive techniques to control the masses - with his list and all.

Hagar said...

Sometimes, I just love Professor Althouse!

Craig said...

http://www.google.com.ph/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=st%20nicholas%20biography&source=web&cd=3&ved=0CD8QFjAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FSaint_Nicholas&ei=oOTVUOiUJ4n4rQfCoICACA&usg=AFQjCNGIcNv11Pfu0Pl9mY9LlptAnVxzFQ&bvm=bv.1355534169,d.bmk

Ann Althouse said...

I wouldn't lie to my children either, but I got by for a few years by responding to questions with questions. It usually went like this:

Q: Is there really a Santa Claus?

A: Well, who do you think comes down the chimney?

It takes a while for a young child to get through that obstacle!

Erika said...

From my friend, the wife of an old-school Lutheran minister: the naughty/nice dynamic promotes works righteousness [that's bad].

AllenS said...

As long as he can make himself smaller to get down your chimney, what difference does it make?

Tank said...

There's always room on the nice list.

The best way to spread Chrismas cheer is to sing out loud for all to hear.

Santa.

William said...

Think of Santa Claus as a vaccination program. Children learn that the world is full of lies in the most gentle and benign way.

traditionalguy said...

Get over it. Santa Clause is German.

And anyone who changes the traditional Santa Claus image will have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company who created it.

Temujin said...

Worst of all...he drinks soda. Lots and lots of soda. Hence, his girth. You will note the Coca-Cola ads of the 50's & 60's featuring his Rotundness. (kind of like the Marlboro Man...only more in your face.

I think Bloomberg has his work cut out for him.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

Q: Is there really a Santa Claus?

A: Well, who do you think comes down the chimney?


Living in a trailer AND moving several times a year from one State to another, the Santa issue was confusing to us. How can Santa find us when we are always moving? We don't have a chimney in a trailer, so how does he get in and leave presents?

Rabel said...

His merit-based advancement of Rudolph to lead reindeer was a clear abridgement of the seniority rights of the other reindeer.

His gift delivery to North Korea and Iran is a blatant violation of the Trading With the Enemy Act.

He does not pay the gift tax due on gifts with a cumulative value in excess of $12,000.

The tax-evading, terrorist-supporting, union-busting fat man with his despicable personal habits never, ever brought me the train set I politely requested.

It's good to see Althouse expose the evil bastard.

traditionalguy said...

Rabel...LOL.

I remember that grinch line, " Hey fat man. Get your reindeer off my roof."

LarryK said...

Other things to add to the list:

13. Reindeer flatulence creates greenhouse gases.

14. He makes little kids climb on his lap, which makes him a perv.

15. He kisses Mommy and is therefore a homewrecker, in addition to being a perv.

16. Ho, ho, ho? Santa may be the world's most powerful pimp; I bet he recruited Suzy Favor Hamilton.

17. By living on the North Pole, he steals scarce living space from endangered Polar Bears.

18. He abuses the vertically challenged (i.e. elves).

19. Rudolph is his go-to reindeer; do not trust anyone who creates blind allegiance among creatures with Germanic names.

20. And, as PJ O'Rourke recognized years ago, he is a Democrat.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/586481/posts

Bob Boyd said...


Weren't some feminists complaining that too many female role model characters portray a fit and slim stereotype and women who are just not built that way are having their self-esteem damaged?
Its not easy to manage all these messages.

Kirk Parker said...

Arlo already did #10.

Pianoman said...

It's amazing how a fictional character can inspire such irrationality.

"Santa Clause has a red suit
He's a communist
And a beard, and long hair
Must be a pacifist
What's in the pipe that he's smoking?"

Kirk Parker said...

(And Ritmo claims I never say anything of substance...)

Sorun said...

Like God, Santa should be also be a woman.

carrie said...

Kids should learn to not judge a person by their size.

EDH said...

Once again, women and children are the problem.

Mrs Claus: Eat, papa, eat.

Santa: How can I eat, that silly elf song is driving me crazy.

Mrs Claus: You're going to disappoint the children, they expect a fat Santa.

Fr Martin Fox said...

This is all the fault of Protestants, who wanted to rid Sinterklaas of all Catholic trappings.

Go back to Saint Nicholas...no works righteousness, no unhealthy habits, no home invasion, no exploitation of animals or little people with ear deformities, no materialism...

Next problem?

Fr Martin Fox said...

(I was being facetious; it was principally Thomas Nast who de-Catholicized Saint Nicholas, and Coca-Cola that finished the job.)

Proconsul said...

Also, he's a sellout... All those years he served as a mascot for Coca-Cola so they could hawk fattening, sugar-laden drinks to the planet's kids. . . And a mysogynist, who insults women three at a time by calling out "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Alex said...

Don't mess with my fat Santa. He's supposed to be fat & jolly.

Sunslut7 said...

Ann,

1. He keeps a list. I have here in my hand a list... This is McCarthyesque and oppressive.

So does the TSA, the Obama White House, ESPN and American Idol. So what? There are about 1.5 billion parent / child recepients on this palnet. Many of whom share the same name or names. Its hard to keep them all straight and identified. A LIST IS A NECESSARY TOOL FOR COMPLETING THE ASSIGNED TASK AND FOR FULFILLING HIRING CONTRACT.

2?

Sunslut7 said...

Ann,

. He's checking and rechecking the list. This is the stuff of obsessive compulsive disorder.

No Ann, its the mark of an adult who takes is job responsibilities seriously. He is a careful, focused and productive professional contractor.

3. He's a grown man obsessing over whether children are naughty and nice. Obviously creepy. Also puritanical.

He is following orders from the parents. They are the ones who delegated (i.e., 'outsourced')the responsibility for disciplining their precious little bundles of joy. His authority comes from the parents who are too busy or too tired from living 'La Vida Loca' to monitor their own children.

4. He watches children when they are sleeping. This condones the invasion of privacy (or worse).

Its not an invasion if the parents issued an invitation. If they want presents for the kid, then he must be allowed access to the premises.

5. He smokes. (This bad-example-setting has already come in for censorship.)

WHOOP-TEE-DO Lady Grimthorn, a fine cigar or a pipe with aromatic tobacco is a small pleasure to be enjoyed by an overworked and unpaid contractor.

Sunslut7 said...

Ann,

6. . He wears fur.

So do the Hilton sisters, Joan Collins, the X-Man Wolverine (its his own), Madonna at one time early in her career, Ann Winatour, Ms. Sarah Palin, most Native Americans inuit tribal members, several African tribes, and the actors in most historical dramas like Downtington Abbey
7. He stokes materialism.

And thereby promotes economic stimmuli that benefit our American workforce in an era of chronic and endemic unemployment. There is a recession on in our economy, if you had not noticed.

8. He takes credit for the work of others (deflecting appreciation that properly belongs to the parents). Who doesn't. You did build that!... according to our Dear Leader. In fact he gives his elves credit for much of his success.

9. He operates as an endorsement of a rigid class system by creating the impression that wealthy children are more deserving of gifts than the poor.

Whaqt makes the poor so 'deserving'? They contribute tlittle to our material well being. They economic role is to serve as low-end consumers of the last resort. They neither invent, nor discover nor improve. They only consume. If they all departed from this planet the world would not miss their contribution.

BTW, in the bible the OT encourages alms and debt forgiveness to the poor; but little else. The poor are infact chastised for being unwise, easily parted from their wealth, Lacking the ability to make prudent decisions, logic challlenged and plagued with the temptations of avarice. It is a modern intellectual confection that the poor should be entitled to the same rights as wealthy citizens.

They perform less useful work and they consume valuable resources which are paid for by the labor of others. Where is the payback to the providers of this largess?

At root, it is all about buying votes from poor folks in order to enable the 'political class ' to maintian and expand their hold on political and economic power. Its about preserving the elite class so that it can continue to prey on the middle class. We should call it by its true name: VOTE MINING!

10. He breaks into houses at night.

Like I typed above he's an invited guest who is using the designated employees only entrance.

11. He relies on sweatshop/slave labor.

The elves love their work. If Santa does not charge for gifts, then how can the elves expect compensation for their labor?

12. He exploits animals.

The reindeer face a major challenge: work for Santa and get fed, sheltered, protected and exercised; or, they may take their chances with the predators in th e northern forests. Haul the goodies or become a late night snack for the wolves. What would you recommend to the reindeer

St. George said...

Brilliant.

Chef Mojo said...

Althouse, thank you for making my week. That's great.

Dante said...

(deflecting appreciation that properly belongs to the parents).

You have to attribute this properly, it's to the elves, who are slaves to Santa. And, their midgets.

Q: Is there really a Santa Claus?

A: Well, who do you think comes down the chimney?


My answer was, "What do you think?"

My wife did all the lying, which made it easier.

Astro said...

Actual(ly), Santa is a communist. He wears red and has a beard.
Arlo Guthrie wrote a song with that as the theme back in the late 60s or early 70s. Funny thing is, though, Arlo now leans towards being a libertarian/republican; he has abandoned the leftism of his father.

As for Santa being fat - he lives at the North Pole where it's freezing cold most of the year. That fat serves as natural insulation to prevent hypothermia.

Skyler said...

Who is the authority for telling us what an imaginary character should look like?

Busy bodies.

ampersand said...

In Chicago,Kwaanza Klaawz will sock you in the kisser with a sock full of shit, but only if you've been white.

Chip Ahoy said...

Like Marineland he buries his dead reindeer on his compound at the North Pole and since it's so cold they're not actually buried on account of the ice.

And they mummify like the bodies on Everest so there results piles of hundreds of dead reindeer laying around all over the place from centuries of nefarious and dangerous unregulated activities.

His presence promotes unscientific disinformation with the harmful result of retarding the understanding of the physical world.

There is too much power vested in one person. He's so far beyond too big to fail that he isn't even funny anymore, he requires too much constant support, he need to be broken into sub Santas. Like Ma Bell to a bunch of Baby Bells to a plethora of telephone companies. And I don't even know how to say that word.

He uses a whip. His costuming dress up and beastial s/m episodes have gone too far and must stop.

He doesn't just ride reindeer, he eats them, he's got a whole grizzly abattoir up there and he avoids inspection.


Meade said...

"avoids inspection" made me laugh eout loud.

Meade said...

In other words, it avoided my attempt to evade out loud laughing.

AllenS said...

If you're having a hard time understanding the concept of Santa Clause, try THIS.

It's all explained.

comatus said...

“I still ain’t made up my mind about Toledo.”

--Stan Freberg, 1953

Strelnikov said...

He constantly refers to "ho's".

ErnieG said...

8. He takes credit for the work of others (deflecting appreciation that properly belongs to the parents). And the elves. Don't forget the elves.

Nate Whilk said...

MB said, "Actual, Santa is a communist. He wears red and has a beard. Promotes egalitarian values while the elites still get the cream. Intrusive social engineering using progressive techniques to control the masses - with his list and all."

Rudolf has a RED nose! It's obvious!

LarryK said "Ho, ho, ho? Santa may be the world's most powerful pimp; I bet he recruited Suzy Favor Hamilton."

Wrong. By saying "ho, ho, ho", he's invoking Ho Chi Minh. It's OBVIOUS! :D

ambienisevil said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kentuckyliz said...

He knows if you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you profess the consubstantiality of the Father and the Son

drozz said...

lyrics from "santa clause you are much too fat"

sang this with my fifth grade class in 1986

http://www.allcarols.com/s/santa_claus_you_are_much_too_fat.html

Holiday Spirit said...

I Like being healthy... XOXO http://the-santa-claus.blogspot.com