December 30, 2012

"What I learned about beauty from my 56 hours in jail."

I hope you learned not to do that duck-lips thing with your mouth that you did in the "Self-portrait from the day before the incident." But no, it's stuff like:
These women were endlessly resourceful: colored pencils for eyeliner, lip liner, and eye shadow (yeah, it fucking hurts to apply). If you bend every other prong of the standard-issue comb, it becomes a makeshift brush....
The worst thing about my short time in jail? Honestly? Besides the indignity and the shitty food and the crushing boredom and the derision from the staff and the self-loathing just being there obviously inspired? Chapped lips.

OK, maybe I’m being a little facetious, but I was parched. My lips were cracked and bleeding, spoiled with a steady diet of Fresh Sugar lip treatment. Licking my lips only made it worse, but I couldn’t help it — it was Pavlovian. It sounds stupid, but I remember that agony more clearly than anything else. When my cellmate shared her makeshift chapstick (shave gel mixed with something pink that I never actually identified) with me, I practically kissed her. 
That sets up a hilarious lampooning by a commenter. Excerpt:
We broke our inkpins and blew the black ink out into our small cups of vasaline, then took a small 2 inched toothbrush to apply... some girls lined their eyes with Sharpies, meant to label our personal property. We made lip gloss with color out of red Kool-Aid or red jello and neosporin. We had clear toothpaste gel that did everything but brush your teeth, and we used this for everything from hair gel to adhesives for our pictures and calanders... We took our Gold Bond Foot Powder and dripped coffee and red Kool-Aid in our cups to try and create eyeshadow and blush....
Another commenter offers a tip she learned in school:
This sounds gross, but my 8th grade science teacher told the class that he just used his own ear wax as lip balm...

The worst part is that he wasn't even mentioning this as like a survival technique....
I love when science teachers challenge their students.

Look, don't even get started with the chapstick. It's addictive:



You'll wake up thinking about it:

19 comments:

Moose said...

Way luckier to have wound up in jail suffering makeup pain than dead or gang raped.

Still - I like the part where she didn't have a *clue* how she could have been resisting arrest so vigorously. I mean - *really*...

Freeman Hunt said...

I liked that some commenters there thought the lampooner was serious.

Mitchell the Bat said...

Fewer and fewer prison inmates smoke cigarettes, these days, which is why chapstick is now the currency of choice.

edutcher said...

We'll being seeing more stuff like this in a few days.

Amateur Night will soon be upon us.

Tim said...

"Amateur Night will soon be upon us."

Soon?

It's been headlining at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue since 20 January 2009.

MadisonMan said...

Luckily, she didn't accidentally walk into her neighbor's house in Madison WI.

Yet another obnoxious drunk.

Pogo said...

Apparently she didn't lunge for the cop's gun.

bpm4532 said...

Poor baby. 56 hours! That's cruel and inhuman! I'll bet her pillow and bed weren't soft enough.

Of course, it wasn't her fault at all! She couldn't say no to all that booze.

FedkaTheConvict said...

Self-portraits shot in a mirror, and extended arm portraits where the arm and shoulder are visible in the photo, are just so lame. Few people can pull it off since human arms just aren't long enough to create the distance for a flattering perspective.

ricpic said...

Did she mention the non-stop noise?

FedkaTheConvict said...

And by sheer coincidence I came across this article: Great 'selfies' in history

Valentine Smith said...

Alcoholic. Busted early saturday AM. Judges don't do weekends. She'll think it's a great story at her meetings in a couple of years. If she lives.

Interesting how these little girl-men so happily don the mantle of the proverbial loser. And think it's some kind of art.

Twerp.

whoresoftheinternet said...

Miserable skanky drunk whore acts like miserable skanky drunk whore, whines about being punished for it, then writes article on her crappy prison makeup techniques.

Feminism, everyone!


Enjoy the decline, abortion-lovers!

Hazy Dave said...

+1.

CatherineM said...

56 hours? And the fish-lips pout self portrait.

What an asshole.

ironrailsironweights said...

But seriously: if Sarah were that completely blind drunk, why wasn't she taken to a hospital? She didn't belong in a jail cell.

Peter

Sam L. said...

The stupid was strong in this one.

papertiger said...

She could use some humility. Two scoops of it. Sorry, two heaping scoops.

Guess what. You are NOT God's gift to humanity.

I want the badge number of the cop who arrested her. I want to send him a cigar.

Koblog said...

What's with the lip balm crisis? Are 22-year olds all dehydrated? Even after carrying landfill-clogging disposable water bottles on their person since childhood? Is there a chapped lip epidemic I was not told about?