January 10, 2013

Ultra Soft... Ultra Suave... MEGA!

Plunging into the Amazon Associates Earnings Report today, category "Health & Personal Care, I see someone — anonymous, of course — purchased THIS.  Hey, what a great idea!  A commonly used everyday item.  And at no additional cost to the buyer, this blog receives $1.80 from Amazon.

So it got me thinking and I went over to the SiteMeter to see that the blog had approximately 25,000 visitors today.  And I thought — what if just 10% of those 25,000 visitors were to regularly, so to speak, in the privacy of their own homes, meet their Quilted Northern needs via the Althouse Amazon portal?  I'll let you do the math.  But let's just say it would leave the Meadhouse, well, flush.  And of course a flush blogger… is a blogger who feels well-appreciated.  So thanks, anonymous and everyone else who used the Althouse Amazon portal!  May you ever experience great softness, comfort and convenience. 

Meanwhile, yesterday, we were talking about clown suits and trillion dollar platinum coins and I see Slate put out a call for ideas on designs for the proposed imagined magic coin.  My personal favorite design idea:



Well done! Let's see... can Charmin be purchased on Amazon?  Why yes, yes it can!  Ultra Soft... Ultra Suave... MEGA!

43 comments:

ampersand said...

Maybe someone's planning to TP your house. Damn Tpers.

edutcher said...

Sad to say, that's about all our money will be good for, once Commandante Zero finishes with it.

wyo sis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ampersand said...

Of course there are some mighty big asses that comment here. (Wipe-Out playing in the background.)

Elliott A said...

Please take pictures of your new Bentley in the driveway. Seriously, we make the effort because you make the effort every day without fail to provide us with varied topics to discuss. It is really a virtual cafe.

wyo sis said...

I understand TP and beer are highly valued in the black market after a natural disaster.
Might as well have one thing you can trade for chocolate, or ipad charging.

Michael K said...

I would note that Amazon has 1800 thread sheet sets for 90% off. The usual (non-Amazon) price is about $300 and they are listed at around $25 to 35 now. I bought three sets but can't remember if I used your portal. I have my own Amazon link and usually use that but will try to remember.

Coketown said...

I just wrote a long rant that began, "I recall toilet paper, fondly. But I haven't had a bowel movement since..." Then I erased what I wrote to avoid hurting feelings. It was cathartic. Or laxative, if we can use 'laxative' as an adjective, like restrictive or informative or instructive. It was quite laxative. As in causing one's bowels to evacuate. In the thesaurus it will be included in the entry on 'cathartic.'

Anyway, the cottage I'm renting has old plumbing--everything was renovated except the pipes--and my lease states explicitly what kind of toilet paper I can use. It's the quick-dissolve kind that doesn't even wait until it's in the bowl to start disintegrating. I might as well just use my bare hand like some filthy Arab and just rinse it off.

Yes. Arabs use their hands and water to clean off their unspeakables. No soap. Then they go around shaking everyone's hand. Which, I guess, if you have fecal residue on your hand it doesn't matter, but if you came from civilization and don't use your hand to wipe your butt, it's rather displeasing.

But they think Westerners are filthy because we use paper. Dry paper. How does that get you clean? It doesn't. You must use water. But we don't. So they can feel culturally superior because they use water. But no soap.

Million-dollar idea: quilted disposable gloves for Arabs. It's like wiping your ass with silk, without the culture shock of not using your hand.

Mumpsimus said...

It would be interesting to see a list of all the stuff bought through your Amazon link over some random period of time.

Coketown said...

But I have a purloined roll of Quilted Northern that I use on occasion, usually at the end of a stressful week, which is probably the only thing preventing my steady descent into alcoholism. After days and days of using campground-grade toilet paper, it's luxurious in a way only British people who aren't cockney can proclaim: luck-surious! Not lugzhurious. How pedestrian.

Coketown said...

It would be interesting to see a list of all the stuff bought through your Amazon link over some random period of time.

Don't give her ideas. It's tedious enough having two topics receiving serial entries. We don't need a third.

Debbie Andrews said...

Unfortunately, my spouse works for a company that makes private label TP, so we are constrained by corporate loyalties from purchasing any of the brand-name products, even though I grew up in Neenah, Wisconsin with a father and brother who both worked at Kimberly-Clark. Alas, I am flush with embarrassment to admit this and must wipe away the tears of disappointment with my Klee...(ahem) facial tissue, but please take comfort there are other nice products that we purchase through your portal, like the Rosetta Stone learn Portugese we bought for our daughter's Christmas present.

Bob Ellison said...

"And at no additional cost to the buyer, this blog receives $1.80 from Amazon."

You teach law, right? 'Cause you sure as hell don't teach economics.

AlanKH said...

The trillion-dollar coin should be based on a rare commodity - like Twinkies, or Nobel Peace prizes awarded to actual peacemakers.

Lawyer Mom said...

Stephen Colbert is on to something? Take a picture!

http://hotair.com/archives/2013/01/08/bad-news-trillion-dollar-platinum-coin-idea-now-officially-ridiculous/

Lawyer Mom said...

P.S. -- so regretful that I didn't buy all of my Faberge' egg incandescent lightbulbs through your portal last year. That would have sent you a tidy sum. I simply forgot. Your December reminders helped make you top of mind when I'm about to go on Amazon. There's not another thought-provoking blog like this one, nor (generally) the quality of comments.

wyo sis said...

Bob
Compare prices and factor in Amazon Prime and get back to me on the economics issue.

Irene said...

Is this Meade's first post?

Irene said...

Never mind. I looked more closely.

Chip Ahoy said...

So they can feel culturally superior because they use water

My brother said that exact same thing. The electrician. An immigrant coworker bragged about spritzing his ass for cleanliness which is highly superior to us dirty-ass Westerners.

I told my brother to tell him, "You make a very good point there. The Arabs certainly know what they're doing. The same point my gay brother makes. Because he insists you never do know when someone's going to come along and want to fuck you right in the ass and you will want to be fresh all over for that."

EMD said...

Quilted Northern is a ripoff. Next time you purchase toilet paper, look at the total square feet printed on the packaging. You'll see their #s pale in comparison to other brands like Scotts for roughly the same money.

Palladian said...

Yes. Arabs use their hands and water to clean off their unspeakables. No soap. Then they go around shaking everyone's hand. Which, I guess, if you have fecal residue on your hand it doesn't matter, but if you came from civilization and don't use your hand to wipe your butt, it's rather displeasing.

Muslims only use their left hand to clean themselves. You will never meet a Muslim that will shake hands with you using their left hand.

Palladian said...

"Quilted" or other "ultra soft" toilet paper is disgusting. Hirsute males prefer Scott 1000.

Coketown said...

Muslims only use their left hand to clean themselves. You will never meet a Muslim that will shake hands with you using their left hand.

Fascinating. I was talking about Arabs. Unless all Arabs are Muslims and the words are interchangeable. In which case I met no Arabs when traveling about the Middle East, as evidenced by my right hand reliably smelling faintly of shit.

Chip Ahoy said...

If you were thinking about it, the Obama toilet paper ATTAAP is a low class and rude joke completely unsuitable for anyone here, but at $12.00 -- $20.00 a roll the joke would be on you.

Deb said...

Does Althouse get a commission if one downloads movies or TV episodes through the portal?

MadisonMan said...

Palladian and I agree on matters TP.

Chip Ahoy said...

You do the math.

Oh man, I hate that. You brought it up. And we cannot do accurate math without knowing for sure it's for 48 rolls which is what the link went to and not another option 36 rolls or 96 rolls, further they claim double per roll so the equivalent of double the amount so they've confused the issue of quantity completely and you haven't helped. Furtherer further we need to know how much butt wiping is going on per household before any reasonable calculation can be attempted, otherwise it's as random as any figure coming out of the US government, let's just say, 16.4 trillion and rising.

I'll tell you, a roll of butt wipe last this household a very long time. I do not know why.

You ever poop so fibrously perfectly that minimal wiping is necessary? That happens a lot.

So 10% of 25,000 daily visitors all buying toilet paper all at once will yield 2,500 people at $1.80 each or, $4,500 if they were to buy all at once. Then there would be a very long dry period of no t.p. commissions, the duration of which will range between months and decades for some depending on all possible variables.

That was like the crossword puzzle that asks you a question in Roman numerals. I had one last night that was so cute, "18 years after Columbus sailed" 1510 = MDII.

I hated those too and then one day Toni Decker goes, "oh goodie, a Roman numeral question" which meant a gimmie for her, and she changed my attitude completely about Roman numerals in crossword puzzles from one of dread to one of happiness.

Rusty said...

What a crock of shit.

Erika said...

Coketown--the villa I lived in in Saudi Arabia was thoughtfully equipped with a bidet.

Erika said...

And a toilet paper holder for the barbarian Western expats.

pm317 said...

Now whom are you calling ultra suave! Charmin, etc..? He was a Mega brand and still is to many, which is why all the dumb voters voted for him and it is his trillion dollar coin. So I say well done.

Astro said...

Re: The Coin.
I'd suggest this image:
Trillion Dollar Coin
with the letters IOU on the reverse.

Astro said...

Old joke.

Joe, to Tom: 'I see you are left handed. So do you use your left hand or your right hand to wipe yourself?'
Tom: 'I use my left hand.'
Joe: 'Really? I use toilet paper.'

Rube said...

Question,

I have Amazon in my favorites and I usually just click on that to do my purchases and don't think of going to Althouse for your portal. This may be a dumb question but if I go to your portal and open it and add it to my favorites does your portal stay with it?

Rube said...

Question,

I have Amazon in my favorites and I usually just click on that to do my purchases and don't think of going to Althouse for your portal. This may be a dumb question but if I go to your portal and open it and add it to my favorites does your portal stay with it?

Hagar said...

I am still trying to think of a way to work in "Schrödinger's trillion."
It's got such a ring to it and must surely be applicable to our Government's financial policies in some way!

ndspinelli said...

Meade can only get better in his posts. I think he was only given the opportunity if he included Amazon portals.

EMD said...

Fascinating. I was talking about Arabs. Unless all Arabs are Muslims and the words are interchangeable. In which case I met no Arabs when traveling about the Middle East, as evidenced by my right hand reliably smelling faintly of shit

You mean you didn't bow to them?

Hagar said...

Or is the "trillion dollar coin" supposed to work like the million pound note in Mark Twain's short story?

Sam L. said...

Most of them, pretty good!

Palladian, that prevents them from being Boy Scouts, who shake left-handed.

dbp said...

When you fence, you shake left handed, since your right (if you are right-handed) is holding a foil.

Meade said...

Rube said...
"if I go to your portal and open it and add it to my favorites does your portal stay with it?"

It should. Does for me.

Deb said...
"Does Althouse get a commission if one downloads movies or TV episodes through the portal?"

Yes.