February 8, 2013

"The jelly looked like pus, the peanut butter like God knows what and the bread was hard as a rock..."

So says Frank Hannibal, describing the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches in jail, where he was sent after he joked about his expensive peanut butter. When the TSA agent at LaGuardia Airport opened the jar, Hannibal said "They’re looking to confiscate my explosives."

What idiot doesn't know not to joke about bombs in the airport security line? Now, this guy is suing for $5 million.

This lawsuit looks like pus. There. Whatever judge gets stuck with it is welcome to use my joke against this phenomenally stupid man who purports to be a connoisseur of humor and peanut butter. Hannibal should have to reimburse the taxpayers for all the public money he's consumed and will continue to consume.

77 comments:

Robert Cook said...

It may be imprudent--stupidly so--to make a joke in an airport security line about one's peanut butter being "explosives,"--but what does it say about the debased state of our "free" (sic) nation that making a stupidly imprudent joke will land one in jail?

CEO-MMP said...

Really, Ann?

He was charged with falsely reporting an incident. If you want to get right down to brass tacks, isn't the TSA drone the one who did that?

You don't think the government (so to speak) has any part of this stupidity?

You know, since they created it, foster it, and perpetuate it.

And please stop embedding your amazon tag in stories without warning.
Thank you.

Ann Althouse said...

@RC It says you are most certainly not free when you submit yourself to the regime of commercial flight.

Don't like it? Don't fly. Those who fly submit, because that's how much they hate the possibility of dying.

You can stay home if you want or drive. But if you drive, you'll have to follow the traffic signals and speed limits, despite your longing for freedom.

BladeDoc said...

The prohibition against certain words in an airportis real and, because of the thuggish, hair trigger response of the C students manning the ranks of the TSA I also recommend that you keep your trap shut in the airport.

That being said, the existence of and slavish respect given to those regulations is sad making.

Ann Althouse said...

"And please stop embedding your amazon tag in stories without warning."

All tags are surprises. Some are jokes, etc. No warnings. And spare me the advice. You don't even like this blog. You don't care about its success. Exactly the opposite.

CEO-MMP said...

No Ann, those that fly submit because they have no choice. If you polled people in airports who've just gone through the TSA line, I bet you'd find a clear majority who'd say they'd rather profile a little more and backscatter x ray a little less.

Why are you such a proponent of state control?

Ann Althouse said...

I detest flying. But not making jokes about bombs is the least of it. Having to sit in a metal tube with a hundred or more other people while it hurtles through the air is already an intolerable indignity. The people who make it their business to get us up, over, and back down at a price we will pay are doing what they can in that miserable business. To imagine that you will be treated better than they're doing right now is perfectly childish.

Don't like it. Don't go.

CEO-MMP said...

Ann, I didn't give you any advice. I simply asked you to do something (or not do something, as the case may be). I even asked you nicely--said please and everything.

And you have no idea whether I care about your blog or it's success. You don't know me. You don't know whether I've used your portal or donated, you don't know whether I've spent time arguing with the morons at Lawyers Guns an Money when they get on their anti-Althouse, Althouse is a whiny victim rants...so what's with the attitude so early in the day?

CEO-MMP said...

By the way, Ann--not everyone who disagrees with you or doesn't kiss up to you hates you and wants your blog to fail.

Not your most attractive quality.

People come to your blog, read what you say and comment. Those comments bring other eyes, or bring other eyes back. That's good for the blog. If you'd rather not have commenters--why not just say that?

Paco Wové said...

"And please stop embedding your amazon tag in stories without warning."

My browser software has this amazing ability to display the URL of each link as I hover the mouse over it. It's like it's from the future or something, it's so advanced!

Ann Althouse said...

I'd like a million dollars for the time a fat man in shorts allowed his thigh to touch mine intermittently over the course of several hours.

I did nothing to cause that to happen and I paid for my space which he invaded.

Let's compensate everyone for everything.

Grow up, people.

Even before 9/11, it was well known that you don't joke about bombs in the airport. What kind of jackass doesn't understand that? If the man were mentally disabled, I'd feel sympathetic, but, based on his statement, he's an intelligent person with an attitude of superiority. You can see that because it was expensive peanut butter, he thought he was above suspicion.

CEO-MMP said...

Paco: Firefox will do that, Safari won't. And my Firefox, full of anti tracking spam killing plug ins won't either.

But thanks for the heads up.

:)

Paco Wové said...

"you don't joke about bombs in the airport"

Indeed.

My memory is hazy, but I think bomb jokes stopped being funny around the time the PFLP got busy blowing up planes.

The Drill SGT said...

The wife, who works for DHS BTW, goes to Burlington, VT every couple of months. She comes back with 9 pound blocks of Cabot reserve Cheddar.

They look vaguely like plastic explosive on the scanners, but the VT TSA guys, know cheese :)

Ann Althouse said...

Let's imagine this guy winning his lawsuit. Gets $5 million. Who pays? We do.

What happens next? TSA agents must start "getting" jokes. And then?

Ann Althouse said...

"Safari won't"

It does for me.

Craig said...

Bought some cheese and sausages in 2003 at a cheese factory in the Kettle Moraine that I later learned was owned by a descendant of my great great grandmother's brother-in-law. Packed the cheese and sausage in a canvas duffle bag and flew to Seattle via Denver, where we got off to attend my wife's brother's wedding on horseback in FairPlay CO at a dude ranch owned by a Czecheslovakian cowboy who thought he was Buffalo Bill. Got quizzed about the cheese at the Denver airport. They promptly put it in a big bombproof plexiglass display case where they ran some tests on it. They asked me what I planned to do with the cheese and sausage. I gave them a one word reply. Fondue.

Shouting Thomas said...

That is pretty expensive peanut butter. Anybody tried it?

I like Skippy Crunchy Style, but it's obviously held together and made spreadable with chemical goop.

Tried to Woodstock Health Food store fresh ground version. Has the consistency of concrete and isn't salted.

I'd like to wean myself from the chemical stuff, but haven't found an all peanut version that tastes good and is spreadable.

john said...

Five million dollars seem to be a rather popular number for lawsuits.

Astro said...

Amazon Tags without warning?

I wonder what OS or browser he's using. On my system (Win XP and Firefox) the taskbar at the bottom shows the URL of any imbedded tag, so it's obvious where a link is going. If I see it's for amazon and I don't want to go there, I skip that link.

john said...

I once carried 8 packages of extremely delicious wild rice and blueberry sausages through the MSP airport and onto the plane. TSA up there knows better than to mess with things like that.

I Callahan said...

I know this is off topic, but it's apropos to a discussion from the other day.

A Jewell who's rough on jobs

AllenS said...

I would have sued for a $1, and accepted an apology instead. It's the absurdity of the situation that bothers me. Time to disassemble the monster called TSA. It serves no purpose but to enable pissants a chance at power.

Astro said...

Okay, I see my comment about the tags was covered. I'd missed that earlier.
Well, maybe someone else missed it too.

Safari doesn't highlight the tags? Seems like that's Safari's problem, not Ann's. Maybe a different browser app?

Astro said...

Google on my iphone4 highlights the tags.
I seldom use safari.

ironrailsironweights said...

Here's what should happen:
He should get every penny he seeks, and then some.
All the TSA workers and cops involved should be fired, and have any accrued pension rights forfeited.
The ridiculous, Panty Piddling Paranoid law against making bomb jokes in airports should be repealed. Islam is NOT going to Conquer the World.

Peter

Roger Zimmerman said...

But, telling a joke about a bomb has absolutely no bearing on the likelihood that one is actually carrying a bomb. Indeed, thinking psychologically, it probably decreases the probability (though, game theory and all ...).

The man was stupid, but the appropriate response of any decent security regime would be to completely ignore the statement and focus on the actual threat indicators. But, we don't have a decent security regime. We have security theater, and arresting a man for making a joke about security is completely appropriate in that milieu.

Once again, it is the law which wastes its own time.

Ann Althouse said...

I thought the peanut butter was insanely expensive, until I realized the price was for 12 jars. These are 16 ounce jars. So it's really only 30¢ an ounce.

EDH said...

What idiot doesn't know not to joke about bombs in the airport security line?

Dukakis refuses to apologize after his airport joke bombs.

"This is the first time I've gotten into trouble because of my sense of humor."

Fernandinande said...

"They’re looking to confiscate my explosives."

A perfectly harmless, obviously joking statement.

"This lawsuit looks like pus. "

If so, only because of a corrupt legal system and anti-freedom lovers of oppressive state-sponsored theater - like Althouse.

"Whatever judge gets stuck with it is welcome to use my joke"

That was a joke? The system that's harassing this citizen for making a joke is a joke.

"Hannibal should have to reimburse the taxpayers ... "

Jesus H. Christ...incredible.

CEO-MMP said...

Heh. I thought I asked nicely and politely. I didn't realize saying 'please' was a bad thing, I apologize.

Safari doesn't tell me what link it is when I hover. It's the newest version and I've checked the settings. I use the Safari when I want to be able to see comments and so forth because I don't have it modded up with privacy stuff like I do the Firefox, that strips everything from sites. Which is sometimes good for the blood pressure.

EDH said...

Doesn't everyone love puss-n-nutter sandwiches?

A Fluffernutter is a sandwich made with peanut butter and marshmallow creme, usually served on white bread...

The sandwich was first created in the early 20th century after marshmallow creme, a sweet marshmallow-like spread, was invented in the U.S. state of Massachusetts. Archibald Query of Somerville, Massachusetts, invented a product he called Marshmallow Creme in 1917, and Emma and Amory Curtis of Melrose, Massachusetts, invented Snowflake Marshmallow Creme in 1913. During World War I, Emma Curtis published a recipe for a peanut butter and marshmallow creme sandwich, which is the earliest known example of a Fluffernutter. Meanwhile, Query sold his recipe to Durkee-Mower Inc., who renamed it Marshmallow Fluff and continues to sell it under that name today.

Ann Althouse said...

The Whole Foods peanut butter that comes out of the machine that grinds peanuts before your eyes costs 37¢ a pound (if you want a comparison point).

Robert Cook said...

Anyone who makes jokes about explosives in an airport is guilty of extremely poor judgment, to be certain. However, the disproportionately heavy handed response of charging someone, as in this gentleman's case, with "filing a false report" and throwing him in jail is indicative of authority gone wild. The TSA agents could simply have examined the peanut butter to determine whether it was what it seemed, or they could have confiscated and disposed of it. At most, if there were real concern, they could have barred the man from boarding the flight, and sent him away to find another way to his destination. His arrest and detention were purely retaliatory and punitive for his being a smart-ass.

We are being acculturated to obey authority without question or hesitation, to keep our mouths shut and show our papers, as it were, or risk being whisked away in manacles.

We see this most clearly when we hear of children--5 and 6 years olds--being suspended from school for drawing pictures of guns, for making guns with their fingers and pointing at other children, or even, as in a recently reported instance, for "shooting" bubbles at another child with a bubble-blower "shaped like a gun", (allegedly)!

These are not reasonable or proportional reactions, (as many cases of TSA abuse of travelers in airports are not), and such actions, in toto, reveal that we are not free citizens living in a society of self-governance, but merely subjects expected to comply with orders on command...or else!

ErnieG said...

A few years ago I was traveling with my wife and her 80 year old sister. We were going through a TSA inspection, and my sister in law made a really lame bomb joke as the agent rifled through her suitcase. I forget exactly what her words were, but I cringed. I thought, "Oh shit, here it comes!" The agent looked at her with a wry smile, shrugged, and went on to the next passenger.

The Drill SGT said...

@Robert Cook

Your comment is true in every way. The left and Right do touch, once in a while...

MadisonMan said...

I think a more appropriate response from the authorities would be to delay him until he missed his plane. Make it inconvenient for bad jokes. Throwing him in jail is simply an avoidable escalation of a non-problem.

I agree the guy sounds like a jerk. But being a jerk isn't illegal (yet), even on airplanes.

Poor judgement all around.

dbp said...

The Drill SGT said...
The wife, who works for DHS BTW, goes to Burlington, VT every couple of months. She comes back with 9 pound blocks of Cabot reserve Cheddar.

Have her go to Cheese Traders--not far from the Burlington airport (1186 Williston Rd South Burlington, VT) and get Grafton cheddar. It is better than the already excellent Cabot yet somehow less expensive.

MadisonMan said...

Having read the article, I see he's also playing the "They scared my children" card.

What a tool.

I hope his kids realize what a moron they have for a parent.

dbp said...

I too am in agreement with Mr. Robert Cook.

It is imprudent to make jokes at the airport and I would never do it. But when govenment officials act stupid and thuggish there needs to be push-back. We are a nation of citizens not subjects.

Bryan C said...

"Even before 9/11, it was well known that you don't joke about bombs in the airport. What kind of jackass doesn't understand that?"

Yes, it's stupid to joke about bombs in the airport. But charging someone with a felony they didn't commit is not only stupid, it's actually illegal. I don't want to allow law enforcement to do illegal things, not even when the victim is a jerk.

edutcher said...

We've heard about the morons who've joked about this stuff before, so this idiot has nobody to blame but himself.

The TSA is one big roust, but, after 9/11, I can see where people would be a little uptight.

Ann Althouse said...

I detest flying. But not making jokes about bombs is the least of it. Having to sit in a metal tube with a hundred or more other people while it hurtles through the air is already an intolerable indignity. The people who make it their business to get us up, over, and back down at a price we will pay are doing what they can in that miserable business.

You don't like buses, trains, or subways, either, I'm guessing.

I'd like a million dollars for the time a fat man in shorts allowed his thigh to touch mine intermittently over the course of several hours.

Lighten up. You need to get someplace where there's sun and warmth come Spring Break.

LoafingOaf said...

I'd have to see video of the incident to judge whether or not the TSA agent over-reacted when calling the cops. I can picture his sarcastic remark being said in various different ways. However, charging the man with a felony and throwing him in jail for 25 hours was way over the top.

Especially since this country doesn't run safe jails and you are exposed to being abused by other inmates or the guards. (Or, you might be killed by being denied your prescribed medication or other medical needs, as singer Sean Levert was in Cleveland when he died from Xanax withdrawal.)

This is particularly disturbing here in the USA, where we lock more people up than anywhere else on the planet.

That said, I don't think this man deserves $5 million.

LoafingOaf said...

And I don't necessarily think someone is a moron for making an ill-advised bomb joke, or sarcastic comment, in the airport. I've overheard such comments. I think sometimes people do it without thinking because they're feeling nervous and helpless in the airport.

edutcher said...

He undoubtedly had heard about other people making the same "jokes" and what happened to them.

He's a moron.

LoafingOaf said...

Especially since this country doesn't run safe jails and you are exposed to being abused by other inmates or the guards. (Or, you might be killed by being denied your prescribed medication or other medical needs, as singer Sean Levert was in Cleveland when he died from Xanax withdrawal.)

Xanax withdrawal?

Suuuure.

ErnieG said...

Bryan C said...
"But charging someone with a felony they didn't commit is not only stupid, it's actually illegal."

It is reported that you can't get through the day without commiting at least three felonies. Glenn Reynolds has written on the perils of prosecutorial discretion when everything is a crime. It used to be that a necessary element of a crime was criminal intent: mens rea, literally a guilty mind. This is contrasted with strict liability laws and regulations, which do not require intent, but mere posession or a mere act. For example, suppose you were walking down the sidewalk and pick up a feather lying at your feet, and put it in your pocket. If it is a bald eagle feather, you could face a fine of $100,000 and a year in prison.

LoafingOaf said...

Levert was showing the symptoms of suffering from Xanax withdrawal and they basically just let him die.

---

He undoubtedly had heard about other people making the same "jokes" and what happened to them.

Why do people assume everyone's on top of these news stories? A lot of people don't read ten blogs a morning. Some folks don't watch or read the news AT ALL. They may not yet be aware that the police in some places in the USA nowadays will ticket you for sneezing.

SeanF said...

It seems like there's some circular logic here, isn't there?

The reaction to these jokes is what it is because it's presumed that good, normal people wouldn't make such jokes. But what's the reason for good, normal people to not make such jokes, other than to avoid causing this reaction?

Chip S. said...

A guy waving his backpack around shouting "I have a bomb!" is rightly taken into custody.

A guy saying "This peanut butter is da bomb" is rightly told to please move along.

This is not a difficult distinction for people who aren't drunk on power.

Levi Starks said...

Not having a sense of humor is the most fun airport security personnel are allowed to have.
He inadvertently made their day.

jimbino said...

That's nothing compared to what I suffered at the hands of a TSA agent just for humming "There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin-sick soul."

Mary Beth said...

You could cause trouble for yourself by joking about bombs in airports since the 1970s, maybe earlier.

Levi Starks said...

Later in the day in the break room they're all like "hey, did you see the look in that guys face when we arrested him? I thought he was going to have a heart attack right there"

Revenant said...

I hope the lawsuit succeeds, personally.

Amartel said...

Norm: I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.

Greg Focker: I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...

Norm: You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.

Greg Focker: No, I said I didn't have a bomb.

Norm: But you said bomb.

Greg Focker: I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".

Norm: You said "Bomb" on an
airplane.

Greg Focker: What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?
Norm: You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!

Greg Focker: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!

Norm: You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years!

Achilles said...

TSA is another example of how everything the government touches it turns to crap. Only a bureaucrat could give mediocre employees near ultimate authority and zero accountability and think they will do a decent job.

And maybe it takes a lifetime ensconced in the US education system to feel comfortable with this sort of ineffective authoritarianism. The army is a fascist organization but there is definitely accountability. Time to privatize airport security.

Oso Negro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Oso Negro said...

Lucky for you, Ann, that you don't have to fly. I logged more air miles than Hillary Clinton last year and it was all for work. As a free being, I bitterly resent the requirement to attenuate my naturally irreverent personality because the under-stooge at security is 50 IQ points short of a sense of humor. Passing the TSA checkpoint often brings me to the precipice of revolution. Especially galling is the requirement to "say my name" on the off chance that a terrorist might select a name that he forgets just before he gets to the TSA. I often feel like going rogue, pummeling the moron to the floor and taunting them ala Muhammad Ali raging over the prone Sonny Liston. I am guessing there is no similarly weekly reminder of the monumental ineptitude and over-reach of the Federal government in your life. Don't like it, don't fly, indeed

Kirk Parker said...

Althouse,

Your 7:06am comment is startlingly off the point; it completely conflates the airlines and the TSA.

The former, as you say, are "doing what they can in that miserable business". The latter is damnable government tyranny. And I mean that as someone who believes that "damnation" is something that might actually occur. Sexual assault in the name of security? No, damn them, really.


ST,

Adams peanut butter.

Bart DePalma said...

Frank Hannibal claims in a complaint filed in Brooklyn Federal Court that he wound up in the sticky situation when the screener noticed the layer of oil atop his gourmet peanut butter — and ordered him out of the line.

“They’re looking to confiscate my explosives,” Hannibal sarcastically told his wife and twin 6-year-old daughters, the court papers state.

The TSA worker, identified in the papers as Edwin Sanchez, overheard Hannibal, apparently didn’t get the joke — and called the cops.

Minutes later, Officer Spencer Newman slapped the cuffs on Hannibal and charged him with falsely reporting an incident, a felony.


Ann's response: "Hannibal should have to reimburse the taxpayers for all the public money he's consumed and will continue to consume...Don't like it? Don't fly."

Are you frigging kidding me, Ann?

After some moron government drone takes his natural peanut butter because the oil has separated, Ed joked to his wife and kids that the drone was taking his "explosives." For that thought crime, you think the other government drone was justified in charging Ed with a felony and then you blame Ed for the cost of the arrest???

But for the grace of my muttering under my breath, these TSA fascists may very well have hauled me off to jail like Ed.

We can curse out a police officer and be protected from retaliation by the First Amendment, but a joke to the TSA will land you in jail with a felony charge.

I wish Ed a jury filled with fellow suffering air travelers and hope he gets every penny he is asking for.

Methadras said...

Or the amount of money that the TSA consumes.

edutcher said...

LoafingOaf said...

Levert was showing the symptoms of suffering from Xanax withdrawal and they basically just let him die.

Baloney. I have a brother-in-law on Xanax (the result of a chance encounter with a thug) and, when he goes off it, it just makes him a little wound.

He undoubtedly had heard about other people making the same "jokes" and what happened to them.

Why do people assume everyone's on top of these news stories? A lot of people don't read ten blogs a morning


Maybe because when idiots started doing this stuff, it was all over the papers, TV, radio, and the Internet news.

MrCharlie2 said...

He should have been hauled into a back room and made to explain himself: inconveniencing and embarrassing him would have been sufficient.

Having him arrested is almost as stupid as his dumbass remark. It indicates a touchy, unaccountable bureaucracy. They wasted my money locking this guy up.

MrCharlie2 said...

"I'd like to wean myself from the chemical stuff, but haven't found an all peanut version that tastes good and is spreadable"

try this stuff:
http://www.fifty50foods.com/peanutbutter.html

Darrell said...

Try Smuckers peanut butter or any of the store brands labeled "organic." I know. Organic is usually just a ripoff and has no health benefit. But in this case it means there are fewer ingredients--peanut butter doesn't need any. Skippy and Jiff are kids' brands loaded up with sugar and other shit. It is not necessary. And yes, the good peanut butter needs to be stirred the first time of use. Consider that the healthy part.

Revenant said...

What idiot doesn't know not to joke about bombs in the airport security line?

The problem I have with that mentality is that it doesn't distinguish between what you have a right to do and what's smart to do.

You have the right to tell a cop who pulled you over "I can't stand fascist pigs like you". It just isn't a *smart* thing to do, because he'll probably kick your ass or trump up some charge to arrest or ticket you for.

Yes, making a joke about bombs in the airport security line isn't smart. But what kind of retard actually thinks that's a security risk? What exactly is it risking? Are we expected to believe that the security drone can't distinguish between a terrorist threat and a bad joke? How'd he manage to dress himself for work?

ken in sc said...

This needs to be said, some plastic explosives actually do look like peanut butter.

Brown modelling clay.

BTW, George Washington Carver did not invent peanut butter. He invented margarine made with peanut oil. It was called peanut butter by the newspapers. Peanut butter was actually developed by one of the Kellogg brothers in Battle Creek.

Matt said...

Ann Althouse said...

I'd like a million dollars for the time a fat man in shorts allowed his thigh to touch mine.


I thought that was you sitting next to me!

Matt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Citizen Jeff said...

Ann, I’m surprised that you equate suing a man for inadvertently touching your leg to suing authorities for a deprivation of freedom. Wow is about all I can say about that.

Also, I see no reason to conclude Mr. Hannibal was trying to be funny. It seems he was spontaneously expressing disgust to his wife. As such, you should be outraged on his behalf that he’s been accused of falsely reporting a crime. Isn’t there supposed to be some connection between criminal charges and what the accused allegedly did? Instead of defending Mr. Hannibal, you’re insisting we should all just endure whatever abuse we’re subjected to at airports. Again, wow.

Matt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Citizen Jeff said...

Falsely Reporting an Incident in the Second Degree:

http://law.onecle.com/new-york/penal/PEN0240.55_240.55.html

kentuckyliz said...

I had to make my own peanut butter while on the low iodine diet to prepare for radioactive iodine treatment of thyroid cancer. It was easy and yummy.

In a small or medium food processor bowl, put in 2 cups of unsealed peanuts. Whirrrrrrr for 2 1/2 minutes. Stop the machine a few times to scrape down sides of the bowl. If you want a smoother texture, add up to 2-3 tablespoons of canola oil. Do this bit by bit and test it so you get it to the consistency you want. You can add salt if you wish, but just a pinch. A little goes a long way. If you want chunky peanut butter, add another half cup of peanuts and process for another 6-8 seconds.

Easy schmeasy. You can use other nuts too like almonds, cashews, sunflower seeds, etc.

Yields about a cup. Store in the fridge.

kentuckyliz said...

Don't take it on a plane.

kentuckyliz said...

The peanut butter was easy and yummy, not the radioactive iodine.

kentuckyliz said...

Unsalted peanuts. Damn autocorrect.

Harold said...

"Even before 9/11, it was well known that you don't joke about bombs in the airport"

Before 9/11 you weren't searched to see if you had peadnut butter in your luggage.

Security theatre- which provides no security.

Wnay real security? Issue a bowie knife to each passenger (except identifiable Muslims), and a .45 to all active duty or retired military boarding the plane. Collect them at the end of the flight.

Oh, and require all Muslims to board naked with no luggage at all. Oops, that's incredibly culturally insensitive. But would be far more effective then searching Catholic nuns and disabled children.

There would be no hijackings. No searches needed.