June 10, 2013

"I feel readers are poised to judge and say – if I am not willing to be mono-grateful, why spawn at all?"

"I am grateful that my body will split in half in late summer, and I will probably live through it, being a resident of the affluent west, but the gratitude is ambivalent. And, as the child grows, I meet other pregnant women and learn that we are not all living in a Barbie Gets Up the Duff Dream Palace of Fecund Ecstasy; some of us are depressed, resentful, afraid. But we are, on the whole, silent, in the shadow of the tyranny of impending motherhood."

From the first paragraph of an essay by Tanya Gold called "I am silenced by the tyranny of impending motherhood," which has the last sentence: "This is the martyrdom of an entire sex and it is foolish and childlike, made by babes."

That's in The Guardian, which I'm reading this morning because it's been scooping on the spying, so I had to puzzle over the British form of expression. Duff Dream Palace? The OED says "duff" — the colloquial adjective — means "Worthless, spurious, false, bad, ‘dud’." Example: "I went down to the pub because the play was so duff." (1965   ‘J. Lymington’ Green Drift i. 8.) Less comprehensible example: "It was said by the erks that he once sold rock on Blackpool sands. This was just ‘duff gen’." (1944   G. Netherwood Desert Squadron 10.)

In the American edition of the new Dictionary of Received Ideas, under "duff," we're told: Be sure to mention that Homer Simpson drinks Duff Beer. And as long as we're composing new entries for The Dictionary of Received Ideas, under "Barbie," let's have: Assert that Barbie's measurements fail to correspond to any real woman's measurements. And under "Motherhood"... what do you think? Gold would say: All women are mono-grateful for their impending motherhood.

Hey, Gold! The mono-gratefulness presumption is the offspring of abortion rights. In the old days — I was there — there was absolutely nothing of the kind. In fact, a standard expression was "She got in trouble."

(Here's the old Dictionary of Received Ideas, one of my favorite books. It works for 19th century France. I'd like a new one, for Americans, as I've said many times.)

57 comments:

tim in vermont said...

My thought exactly, she has the "choice" to opt her DNA out of the great game.

Anonymous said...

My general rule for dealing with baffling English phrases is that if there's a preposition in the vicinity, include it in the search. Sure enough!

Lyssa said...

But what does "mono-grateful" mean?

Gahrie said...

Oh the humanity!

Why oh why can't somebody think of the women and find a cure for pregnancy?

Renee said...

Why do women who wait until their late 30s over think being a mom.

My mom has a baby at 21, I had one at 24. I was too busy/happy to think about the complexities of motherhood.

Freeman Hunt said...

At three months pregnant, I developed depression.

That line explains the entire column.

Freeman Hunt said...

She may be one of those who is made depressed by pregnancy hormones and feels fantastic after having the baby.

Freeman Hunt said...

as if a pregnant woman can detach herself entirely from reality, and live in an unpolluted tableaux that looks like Tolkien's Shire.

That's pretty funny. Too true. I think some of the pregnancy advice has gotten too extreme.

Anonymous said...

"She got in trouble." I haven't heard that in a long time. And, after she got in trouble => "She had to get married."

Anonymous said...

"She got in trouble." I haven't heard that in a long time. And, after she got in trouble => "She had to get married."

Renee said...

"Who can complain of physical fear, of the nightmare of a baby eating its way out of your abdomen, of the loss of professional autonomy, staring at a stranger's idiotic grin? Pregnancy has made me more pro-choice, not less; an unwanted pregnancy, I now know for certain, is too much to ask, here or anywhere."


This woman should NOT be writing a column, she needs immediate help.

I fear for her and her baby. This is such an unhealthy attitude.

Our bodies were designed to give birth, it's normal and nature. The hyper fear mongering that we need to constantly fear pregnancy has been terrible.

Henry said...

If I had time I'd really like to rewrite this from the baby's point of view. I imagine I would use twins, to make sense of the "we":

But we are, on the whole, silent, in the shadow of the tyranny of impending motherhood.

All we can do is boot the tyrant's abdomen from the inside.

Kelly said...

Pregnancy hormones can really mess with you. I went from a laid back, easy going person to a shrew with my second baby. I also began having seizures probably from the hormones. She could very well feel differently after she delivers.

rhhardin said...

"I don't care what the angel said, Mary. You're in trouble."

Freeman Hunt said...

This woman should NOT be writing a column, she needs immediate help.

I agree. There's lot of talk about depression after giving birth, but hardly any about depression during pregnancy. I think this person is probably suffering. Hope it lifts quickly after birth for her!

kcom said...

?I am grateful that my body will split in half in late summer"

So when do we get to meet her asexually-produced, identical twin?

Oh, you mean it's not really her body splitting in half? It's a different body she's nurturing inside hers? I wonder if that changes things?

Scott M said...

So you zeroed in on Brit vernacular and didn't want to explore the phrase "in the shadow of the tyranny of impending motherhood".

Along the same lines as a "self-hating " is it possible to be a self-hating woman owing purely to biology? If one doesn't want to be a woman, does that make that person automatically transgendered...can you be without wanting to be the opposite sex?

Where are the musings of women (womyn?) pining for a category of gender that want nothing to do with their biological imperatives, or tyranny, I suppose, but want none of the drawbacks of the inferior male of the species? Objects of lust aside, mind you, as we're not talking about sexual persuasion.

Scott M said...

All we can do is boot the tyrant's abdomen from the inside.

Does it completely escape this navel-gazer (lol on a number of levels) that she is about to become a tyrant? That "mother" is the word for "god" on the lips of small children?

Anonymous said...

Brad Pitt had These Very Same Feelings before having George Clooney's Baby.

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

Duff beer for me.
Duff beer for you.
I'll have a Duff.
You have one too.

Scott M said...

And, as the child grows, I meet other pregnant women and learn that we are not all living in a Barbie Gets Up the Duff Dream Palace of Fecund Ecstasy;

This is a tell. She is so ridiculously isolated from reality that she is surprised to find out that pregnancy isn't all fun and happiness.

Most people, firmly grounded, know otherwise.

Fernandinande said...

"I am silenced by the tyranny of impending motherhood"

Silenced as in writing an article published in a major newspaper = professional victim.

Nonapod said...

According to his autobiography, the Simpsons writers asked Guns'n Roses bass player Duff Mckagan if they could use the name for the fictitious beer.

Darrell said...

Some women are weird.

madAsHell said...

I couldn't finish reading that tripe.

I think she has problems with relationships. She's too busy checking her belly button.

Ann Althouse said...

I think most Americans, pre-Duff Beer, thought of duff only in the expression: "Get off your duff." So it meant "ass."

Ass Beer.

Ann Althouse said...

When people have lots of freedom and autonomy, they may develop the delusion that what is chosen should bring nothing but good.

It's so obviously delusional, though. What is wrong with people?

BarrySanders20 said...

Sounds like she's being punished with a baby.

Anonymous said...

I think she has problems with relationships.

Nah, she only has a problem with writing. Underneath the beastly style there's a complaint or two that's probably valid, in a #FirstWorldProblems kind of way. We probably do expect pregnant women to act more delighted than they really are, and it probably is a pain in the duff for them.

Darrell said...

Some people that grow up believing that they are special snowflakes like to think that everything they do, everything that happens to them, is somehow unique--harder, better, more painful, more pleasurable, etc. Their experiences are unique in all of human history--and don't you dare compare your experiences to theirs!

Scott M said...

What is wrong with people?

It's easy. The more affluent and detached you are from day to day struggles, the more delusional you become.

Unknown said...

Agree about the hormones and depression and hope she gets help, but there seems to be some underlying misogyny complex there too so I doubt this simply gets fixed after she gives birth.

Freeman Hunt said...

When people have lots of freedom and autonomy, they may develop the delusion that what is chosen should bring nothing but good.

It's so obviously delusional, though. What is wrong with people?


They're sold this idea every moment that they're connected to media. It's a delusion born from consumerism, I think.

Dr Weevil said...

I won't follow the link, so I have to ask here: did she really write "live in an unpolluted tableaux"? And does the Guardian not have an editor who knows that 'tableaux' are plural and that one of them is a 'tableau'? Using fancy foreign words incorrectly is hopelessly pretentious.

edutcher said...

Duff, as a noun, used to mean your behind. Before that, a kind of pudding.

"This is the martyrdom of an entire sex and it is foolish and childlike, made by babes."

That sounds like something a guy would say.

After the girl's Dad said those 3 magic words, "The shotgun's loaded".

Ann Althouse said...

In the old days — I was there — there was absolutely nothing of the kind. In fact, a standard expression was "She got in trouble."

Only if she wasn't married.

Fernandinande said...

"I am silenced by the tyranny of impending motherhood"

Silenced as in writing an article published in a major newspaper = professional victim.


For someone silenced, she has yet to pipe down.

southcentralpa said...

Did she watch the movie Childhood's End, and think "Wow, what a great idea!" ?

Darrell said...

Here we would say that it's easy to tell that she has been drinking the Kool-Aid. In other parts of the world, they would say that she has been sucking from the cock of Socialism. Or educated beyond her intelligence.

southcentralpa said...

Children of Men, of course, is what I meant. A film version of Childhood's End could be ... interesting, tho' ...

Jane the Actuary said...

She needs help.

She speaks of being pregnant at age 39, when she thought she would be unable to, in a way that implies that this was a planned and desired pregnancy (and, from her attitude, would have headed straight to the abortion clinic if this had been unplanned), but now, despite her claim that she recovered from her depression, she still has a "baby as parasite" attitude. This is not garden-variety ambivalence. I have a hard time imagining her caring for this invader once it emerges from her body.

Or is this the set-up for next week's follow-up: "why I had a late-term abortion for the sake of my mental health"?

Clyde said...

She's too clever by half. Somehow, I doubt that will help her mothering skills.

Anonymous said...

Re: "
It's so obviously delusional, though. What is wrong with people?"

They have No Inner Robot to Auto-Correct Them.

TerriW said...

Sometimes I think of the super duper smart people who wait to have kids look at mothering like, say, Anthony Michael Hall looked at shop class in the Breakfast Club. I mean, look at all the "idiots" who have a whole passel of kids...

SJ said...

tyranny of impending motherhood.

Ask your own mother how she survived the tyranny of motherhood. Whether impending or actual.

Strelnikov said...

The fact that a women refers to giving birth to another human being as "spawning" says about all you need to know.

Strelnikov said...

Can she deliver in the medical wing of the mental institution to which she's clearly headed?

ricpic said...

She makes it sound as though womens' doubts about motherhood as absolutely good are suppressed. On what planet?

YoungHegelian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
YoungHegelian said...

She's got her Duff Dream Palace of Fecund Ecstasy confused with our Cracker Box Palace here below.

DANGER: Link features man in shorts!

Unknown said...

I've always been puzzled by the oft heard complaint by pregnant women that people want to touch your belly. Two pregnancies and the only people that touched, or asked, or seemed to want to, were my husband and other kids, my OB, and the ultrasound technician.

Who are these touchy feely strangers? Should I feel slighted that they didn't find my baby bumps irresistable?

cubanbob said...

If only she had her tubes tied we would have been spared her garrulous verbiage.

Strelnikov said...

"'ve always been puzzled by the oft heard complaint by pregnant women that people want to touch your belly. Two pregnancies and the only people that touched, or asked, or seemed to want to, were my husband and other kids, my OB, and the ultrasound technician."

Remember she is probably almost exclusively surrounded by Lefists. they are not used to seeing pregnant women, except to high five each other on the way into/out of the abortion clinic.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

I think some of the pregnancy advice has gotten too extreme.

I agree. Too much information. Too much angst over crap that really doesn't mean a thing.

Of COURSE you are going to be worried, anxious, fearful. You body is doing something extraordinary and out of your control. Your life is going to be changed FOREVER. The responsibility of a new little person is scary and awesome. You will never ever be the same as you were before. You WILL have second thoughts. "Am I doing the right thing?" "What if the baby isn't perfect?" "Am I capable of being a mother?" "What about ME!!! Will I get lost in being MOMMY and lose myself?"

So....get over it. Go with the flow. Ignore the well meaning but intrusive people. Ignore the anal retentive advice about everything and just take a nap.

If you didn't want to be pregnant and resent the process so much.....perhaps you might have thought about what causes pregnancy and avoided it. Hmmmmm?

Scott M said...

Who are these touchy feely strangers? Should I feel slighted that they didn't find my baby bumps irresistable?

I really remember this with my wife's first pregnancy, but I also remember that almost all those who wanted to touch her belly were old women and I chalked it up to 1) something generational or 2) they were life-force vampires trying to suck the unborn energy out of my daughter.

Ignore the anal retentive advice about everything and just take a nap.

Oh, the top of that pile has got to be whether or not you're supposed to put the newborn to sleep on their stomachs or on their backs. SOOOO much conflicting info and it seems not only to change from decade to decade, but wash like oscillating waves between North America and Europe (my brother's in-laws are all German).

stlcdr said...

Luckily she has a husband and friend - and father of this 'twin' - to help her through the trying times of pregnancy.

This said...

"Up the duff." It's a phrase.

This said...

"Up the duff." It's a phrase, like "round the bend."

mtrobertsattorney said...

If her baby is lucky enough to be born, this mother should be carefully monitored lest she harms the baby. She obviously views this child as an invading enemy who is out to destroy her happiness.